Bacon causes cancer and you have millions of tiny spiders living in your face. Look I’m sorry to be the one to tell you these things, but the WHO just added “processed meats” to the IARC Group 1 carcinogens, a list which also include smoking, asbestos, formaldehyde, haematite mining, and the evocatively named but doubtless unpleasant “strong inorganic acid mists.” #NotAllCarcinogens are equal, however. Anyway, cheese or giant squid will probably kill off most of us before smoked ham has a chance. The face-spiders are totally real though.
Did you ever think that maybe America is just batshit fucking crazy? Just putting it out there.
— Jonathan Shainin (@jonathanshainin) October 23, 2015
Today in The Forever Election: Hillary won the Judicial Watch-sponsored Benghazi hearing with gifs. Some Guy dropped out. Other Guy is still hanging in there, I guess. Trump mocked corn and called Ben Carson “low-energy,” which is a post-hypnotic trigger phrase that makes other Republican candidates lose their minds. Carson responded to it by reminiscing about his violent knife-wielding youth, while Jeb! said screw you guys, he doesn’t want to be president anyway. Also you’re all a bunch of dicks. Future ex-G.O.P. candidate Marco Rubio announced he is also future ex-U.S. Senator Marco Rubio. Jeb! is just a prisoner here of his own device, and New York Times 2016 campaign correspondent Michael Barbaro has apparently never seen CSPAN. Meanwhile, in Iceland, The Pirate Party is still leading in the polls, and that seems pretty reasonable by comparison.
Why Self-Driving Cars Must Be Programmed to Kill. Why self-driving cars must be programmed to kill soon. The Wall Street Journal takes a bold, principled stand against science. Assume deer dumb. Candidates for the FIFA presidency include Tokyo Sexwale and Jerome Champagne. This is definitely the weirdest timeline. MealSquares are Soylent for people who want to pretend they don’t hate themselves. And you can’t spell “Princestagram without “incest.”
Parker Higgins dropped the “Outline Bling” extended dance mix. Jazmine Hughes quite frankly looks better than Cookie in every single picture here. George Saunders on the ten years it took him to stop being a bad writer. “[T]he <input> API isn’t quirky — it’s literally just a jar of spiders, and the moment you open the jar, it’s too late. You’re covered in spiders.” As we established earlier, you’re covered in spiders already, but Monica Dinculescu‘s point stands.
Today’s Must-Cop: Buy a cyptographically secure password from this eleven-year-old.
Today’s Song: All the songs! All of them. At once.
~Don’t wanna see no tabs, don’t be a macho man~
If Today in Tabs were a presidential candidate, we’d be whichever one uses the subjunctive most often. If Today in Tabs were a website, we’d be Fast Company. If Today in Tabs were an email, it would be in your inbox right now. If Today in Tabs were a tree, we’d be a basic birch.