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American Horror Slack: An “AHS: Hotel” Recap For Cord Cutters, Boob Blood Included!

Angela Bassett is coming for Lady Gaga. Naomi Campbell, we hardly knew ye. To the Slack room we go!

American Horror Slack: An “AHS: Hotel” Recap For Cord Cutters, Boob Blood Included!
Naomi Campbell as Claudia on American Horror Story: Hotel

Mac and I just finished watching episode three of American Horror Story: Hotel, and, as usual, there was much to discuss in Slack. Why Slack, you ask? Because neither of us has cable (cord cutters 4 life!) and we’re both at work, so what would you have us do? Not watch AHS as soon as it drops in iTunes? Please. We’re multitasking to bring you running commentary of Hotel. If you’re late to the party, check out our Slack-cap of episode two before diving into our take on episode three, “Mommy,” below.

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TL;DW:

  • “American Horror Story Eau De Toilette” needs to be a real thing.
  • Naomi Campbell makes death look fierce.
  • Angela Bassett FINALLY makes her debut this season–and it’s glorious.
  • Babies smell like lavender.
  • Body count (excluding flashbacks): 1

KC Ifeanyi [10:01 AM]
hey hey hey! ready for episode 3?

Maccabee Montandon [10:02 AM]
already ate today, so yeah

Maccabee Montandon [10:02 AM]
pressing play

KC Ifeanyi [10:02 AM]
same…let’s do this

Maccabee Montandon [10:02 AM]
together, we can get through it

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KC Ifeanyi [10:03 AM]
it’s funny because i’ve never found AHS scary…just gory and mildly suspenseful…but i always keep coming back for more

Maccabee Montandon [10:03 AM]
Nick Cave called — he wants his jacket, soul back

Maccabee Montandon [10:03 AM]
March was born on my wedding anniversary!

KC Ifeanyi [10:04 AM]
i’m really going to need this zoolander knockoff to die or something…he’s only been in one episode before this and i’m over it

KC Ifeanyi [10:04 AM]
…..oh, damn, mac…that’s unfortunate

Maccabee Montandon [10:05 AM]
Black Closet? Is that where R Kelly was?

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KC Ifeanyi [10:05 AM]
“black closet”… just makes me think of r. kelly

KC Ifeanyi [10:05 AM]
HAHAHHA!!!

KC Ifeanyi [10:05 AM]
jinx to the max

Maccabee Montandon [10:05 AM]
totally to the max

KC Ifeanyi [10:06 AM]
i can’t take evan peters/patrick marsh seriously…he looks like a 12-year-old in a zoot suit and a drawn on mustache

Maccabee Montandon [10:07 AM]
He’s only scary when a sledghammer is near by.

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Maccabee Montandon [10:07 AM]
Like Peter Gabriel

KC Ifeanyi [10:07 AM]
i just snorted in my coffee

Maccabee Montandon [10:07 AM]
otherwise he looks like a Brooklyn bartender circa now

KC Ifeanyi [10:08 AM]
reppin’ that hipster speakeasy set HARD

Maccabee Montandon [10:08 AM]
wait so Chloe is actually a doctor? Like Quinn, medicine woman?

KC Ifeanyi [10:09 AM]
i guess? or like a midwife? i haven’t seen her in a legit hospital yet

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Maccabee Montandon [10:09 AM]
they share more than a hair stylist?

Maccabee Montandon [10:09 AM]
man this credits font is sexy

KC Ifeanyi [10:09 AM]
maybe all the budget for the show went to special FX and hair and makeup was left out in the cold

Finn Wittrock as Tristan

Maccabee Montandon [10:09 AM]
Internet, make that for us all

Maccabee Montandon [10:10 AM]
fresh lavender was also a Tom’s deodorant flavor — but like most Tom’s deodorant it wasn’t so good at making armpits smell better

KC Ifeanyi [10:10 AM]
babies smell like lavender… rage smells like copper (re: episode 2)…i’m learning a lot about smells

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KC Ifeanyi [10:11 AM]
just rub a baby’s head under your arms, dude

Maccabee Montandon [10:11 AM]
AHS, what does March’s mustache smell like?

KC Ifeanyi [10:11 AM]
gin and regret?

Maccabee Montandon [10:11 AM]
indeed

Maccabee Montandon [10:12 AM]
which hotel would you rather stay at, this one or the Overlook/ Shining?

KC Ifeanyi [10:12 AM]
def hotel cortez… i may die or get turned into a vampire but it’d be one hell of a ride

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Maccabee Montandon [10:12 AM]
yep — and fewer writing deadlines!

KC Ifeanyi [10:13 AM]
this quinn bun is killing me

KC Ifeanyi [10:14 AM]
naomi..don’t die… please don’t die…you’ll become another “black person/scary situation” statistic

Maccabee Montandon [10:14 AM]
not Naomi, dear lord not Naomi

Maccabee Montandon [10:15 AM]
let her live a few more eps

KC Ifeanyi [10:15 AM]
AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

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Maccabee Montandon [10:15 AM]
or not…

KC Ifeanyi [10:15 AM]
BODY COUNT: 1

Maccabee Montandon [10:15 AM]
and what a body it was

KC Ifeanyi [10:15 AM]
and yet, she still looked fierce

Maccabee Montandon [10:16 AM]
are those gawkers offices? where’s the Big Board!!!?

KC Ifeanyi [10:16 AM]
but really tho…this season is grisly AF…tongue nailed to a desk?

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KC Ifeanyi [10:16 AM]
HA! can you imagine?

KC Ifeanyi [10:17 AM]
so that guy who killed naomi was the druggie who died/didn’t die in ep. 1

KC Ifeanyi [10:17 AM]
sarah paulson was keeping him as a pet or something

KC Ifeanyi [10:17 AM]
no joke… the hair in this season is too much… this guy is legits rocking a mullet…with a red streak

KC Ifeanyi [10:18 AM]
it’s like adam lambert gone serial killer

Maccabee Montandon [10:18 AM]
New Wave hair and Warby Parkers

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Maccabee Montandon [10:18 AM]
a future Vampire Weekend song

Maccabee Montandon [10:18 AM]
more smelling!

KC Ifeanyi [10:19 AM]
next episode: we’ll be learning about taste, kids!

KC Ifeanyi [10:19 AM]
way to call off the hit, gaga

Maccabee Montandon [10:20 AM]
Gaga for good! but really, can you tell me why she did that?

KC Ifeanyi [10:21 AM]
maybe she’s catching some feelings for drake? maybe she wants his bougey blood for herself? couldn’t say..

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Lady Gaga as the Countess

Maccabee Montandon [10:21 AM]
oh yes, hair crimper is back

KC Ifeanyi [10:21 AM]
not for nothin’, but all the guys look the same in this season: dark hair and jawlines

Maccabee Montandon [10:22 AM]
crimped hair, black velvet choker, Marlboro reds — I think I dated this woman in 9th grade

KC Ifeanyi [10:22 AM]
“why are you wasting your time on junkies? we only hurt ourselves.”

cue the “the more you know” rainbow

Maccabee Montandon [10:22 AM]
if she starts singing The Smiths, it’s gonna freak me out

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KC Ifeanyi [10:23 AM]
i wouldn’t totally rule that out

Maccabee Montandon [10:23 AM]
this ep is less 80s so far

Maccabee Montandon [10:23 AM]
aha, taste, you were right! this is like a lesson on how the 5 senses work

KC Ifeanyi [10:24 AM]
does she ever stop crying?

Maccabee Montandon [10:24 AM]
when i watch this show i instinctively pop my collar — not sure if it’s to be more 80s or to protect mah neck

KC Ifeanyi [10:24 AM]
HAHAH! fair enough

KC Ifeanyi [10:24 AM]
ok…that elevator scene was something

Maccabee Montandon [10:25 AM]
“shitters alley” — if those rents are high, we are def in a bubble

Maccabee Montandon [10:26 AM]
this guy’s dad must’ve been in Depeche Mode, right?

KC Ifeanyi [10:26 AM]
this is a very parental season

Maccabee Montandon [10:27 AM]
“insane vegetarian cult” <<—- redundant

Maccabee Montandon [10:27 AM]
rethinking Kathy Bates as my Halloween costume

KC Ifeanyi [10:27 AM]
choosing drugs to get away from your mom? that’s cold, bruh

Maccabee Montandon [10:27 AM]
that hair is gonna be tough to pull off

KC Ifeanyi [10:28 AM]
real talk: kathy bates would be a perfect low-budget halloween costume this year

Maccabee Montandon [10:28 AM]
Jesus and Mary Chain! Finally!

KC Ifeanyi [10:28 AM]
here we go with the 80s

Maccabee Montandon [10:29 AM]
let’s get the music supervisor up in here next week?

KC Ifeanyi [10:29 AM]
well, that’s new: sucking the blood of a junkie to get high

Matt Bomer as Donovan

KC Ifeanyi [10:29 AM]
the music shifted

KC Ifeanyi [10:30 AM]
oh, shit…matt bomer, call your magic mike squad

KC Ifeanyi [10:30 AM]
YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

KC Ifeanyi [10:30 AM]
ANGELA B. IS IN THE HOUSE, PEOPLE

KC Ifeanyi [10:30 AM]
and this season just got good.

Maccabee Montandon [10:32 AM]
yes — but not enough Gaga in this ep so far

Maccabee Montandon [10:33 AM]
aha, here we go

KC Ifeanyi [10:33 AM]
…are you complaining?

Maccabee Montandon [10:33 AM]
“You never need to complain about pouring a glass of Chateau Margot”

Maccabee Montandon [10:33 AM]
how many times have I said that, KC?

KC Ifeanyi [10:34 AM]
too many times to count, my dude

Maccabee Montandon [10:34 AM]
“all great ideas are deadly”

Maccabee Montandon [10:34 AM]
even hot pockets, GAGA!!!!??

KC Ifeanyi [10:35 AM]
there’s a whole lotta crotch grabbing in this episode

KC Ifeanyi [10:36 AM]
bahahaha! bernie madoff made it into AHS? amazing

KC Ifeanyi [10:37 AM]
there’s you’re reason why she called off the vamp hit: gold digging

Maccabee Montandon [10:38 AM]
no hat on the bed, Chloe! it’s bad luck!

KC Ifeanyi [10:38 AM]
“let’s have another baby”….that was probably the worst thing you could possibly say, dude

KC Ifeanyi [10:39 AM]
“if this were hell, i’d be the one in that awful zara knockoff you’re wearing” ….burn.

KC Ifeanyi [10:40 AM]
smell him, chloe

KC Ifeanyi [10:40 AM]
SMELL YOUR SON

Maccabee Montandon [10:40 AM]
American Horror Story Eau Du Toilette is so happening

Maccabee Montandon [10:41 AM]
whoever wrote this ep is hella into aphorisms.

KC Ifeanyi [10:42 AM]
“American Horror Story Eau Du Toilette”….we’d make a total mint off of this

KC Ifeanyi [10:42 AM]
“don’t haunt my hallways, bitch.”….putting that up outside my apartment

Maccabee Montandon [10:43 AM]
ha. last ep was more fun, no? this one is so druggy and dark. like Seattle in the 90s.

KC Ifeanyi [10:43 AM]
we’re going decade by decade here

Maccabee Montandon [10:43 AM]
aaaaannnd here’s the 70s

KC Ifeanyi [10:43 AM]
BLACK. DON’T. CRACK.

KC Ifeanyi [10:43 AM]
omg…OMG…angela’s backstory is EVERYTHAAAANG

Maccabee Montandon [10:44 AM]
this is rad — you watching, Tarantino?

KC Ifeanyi [10:44 AM]
this is dolemite realness

KC Ifeanyi [10:45 AM]
oh, man… PLEASE tell me this season will continue a battle between gaga and angela

Maccabee Montandon [10:46 AM]
boob blood!

KC Ifeanyi [10:47 AM]
can we talk about this decade elevator ride?

Maccabee Montandon [10:47 AM]
i want that elevator that magically changes your outfit — yes, we can

KC Ifeanyi [10:47 AM]
gaga is gonna killed mo

KC Ifeanyi [10:47 AM]
i can feel it

KC Ifeanyi [10:48 AM]
sooo… does the blood have to come from the boob?

Maccabee Montandon [10:48 AM]
it helps

KC Ifeanyi [10:50 AM]
this is like the most effed up version of the video for “telephone” with beyonce

KC Ifeanyi [10:50 AM]
speaking of which, i’m really gonna need her to cameo this season as a werewolf… i feel if i keep putting that request out there, ryan murphy will here my call

Maccabee Montandon [10:51 AM]
beat the werewolf-y drum

Maccabee Montandon [10:52 AM]
aand bring up Robert Smith’s vocals…. fade out…. noyce

KC Ifeanyi [10:53 AM]
leave it to a bald man in a sequined outfit to drop truth bombs on ya

Denis O’Hare as Liz Taylor

KC Ifeanyi [10:53 AM]
but why doesn’t kathy bates just kill herself? why is she getting the junky to do it?

KC Ifeanyi [10:54 AM]
he’s gonna turn her into a vamp

Maccabee Montandon [10:54 AM]
VAMPIRE KATHY BATES!

KC Ifeanyi [10:54 AM]
it’s all i ever wanted in life

Maccabee Montandon [10:55 AM]
vs. Hologram Tupac in a cage match!

KC Ifeanyi [10:55 AM]
besides a vampire angela bassett

KC Ifeanyi [10:55 AM]
dude… you are cranking out some million dollar ideas

KC Ifeanyi [10:55 AM]
that’s it??!

Maccabee Montandon [10:55 AM]
fraid so

KC Ifeanyi [10:56 AM]
ok… so this episode laid a lot of good groundwork

KC Ifeanyi [10:56 AM]
and i finally got my angela moment

Maccabee Montandon [10:58 AM]
win win

About the author

KC covers entertainment and pop culture for Fast Company. Previously, KC was part of the Emmy Award-winning team at "Good Morning America" where he was the social media producer.

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