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Today In Tabs: And Do Not Damage The Oil And The Tabs

Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

Today In Tabs: And Do Not Damage The Oil And The Tabs

Welcome to Apocalypse Eve, the last day before the world is consumed by holy fire, according to the obviously reliable eBible Fellowship. The harbingers of the End of Days are all around us: Fascist candidate for U.S. Senate from Florida, Augustus Sol Invictus, sacrificed and drank the blood of a goat, and is still more appealing than Donald Trump. The Guardian declared that the avocado is over-cado in a lengthy editorial made partly of real words. DC Comics allowed the tragic wreckage of the (arguably) once-talented Frank Miller to reveal the Super D. In Bangalore: Another Funeral Attacked By Bees. And Martha Stewart’s horses are definitely preparing for something to go down. Our world has its good points, but I challenge anyone to look at this year’s “sexy” Halloween costumes or the word “phubbing” and tell me we don’t deserve at least a little light cleansing by the wrath of a vengeful God.

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Suffragettes Shitty: Self-described humanist Meryl Streep and her co-stars in the upcoming film “Suffragette” did a photo shoot for Time Out London wearing t-shirts that say “I’d rather be a rebel than a slave.” Which, ok, it’s pretty clear Emmeline Pankhurst wasn’t referring to those rebels when she said the line in 1913. But Charline Jao charted the, let’s say, problematic relationship the suffragette movement had with slavery and racial justice. And on Twitter, Miz Jenkins pointed out that Pankhurst did say that for women, lacking the vote was “the most appalling slavery, compared with which negro slavery falls into insignificance.” She also called prostitution “a slavery more awful than negro slavery in its worst form ever was.” Time Out issued a “Statement in response to ‘Suffragette’ t-shirt complaints,” arguing that “we have received no complaints.” So there you have it: There were no complaints, it was all a dream, and we woke up to find that All Lives Matter.

After watching BuzzFeed turn into a $1.5 billion media company by scraping Reddit, the Internet’s juvenile treehouse finally launched its own editorial aggregator, called Upvoted. Voting will not be allowed, nor will comments, because while Reddit might be evil, it is clearly not stupid. Motherboard is also ditching comments, opting instead to solicit and publish “letters to the editor,” which must be written with quill on parchment and delivered via white-gloved courier. The Death of Comments continues ascendant, at least until the Death of Everything arrives tomorrow. Just a day after taking over as permanent CEO at Twitter, Jack Dorsey launched “Project Lightning, which is a new Twitter feature that uses an orbital platform to target and destroy Dorsey’s enemies with a focused particle beam, or so-called “death ray.” It’s exiciting to see the social network, as Farhad put it, “transform Twitter’s chaotic timeline into a series of attacks from space that are effortlessly fatal, even to people who aren’t indoctrinated into the service’s strange rituals.” At press time shares of TWTR were up, and will remain so, or else.

And now here’s Tabs Intern Emeritus and Canadian Wilderness Bureau Chief Karen K. Ho to tell us what’s going on in the great extremely white North:

TODAY’S GUEST TAB, by KAREN K. HO

When my family went to Italy a few years ago, I remember a waiter who remarked, “You speak English so well.” It perplexed me for a long time, because even though we spoke some Cantonese at home, my parents both had Canadian university degrees, worked at national banks for decades and we had spent our entire lives in Toronto.

I later realized that kind of statement was code for “I’m surprised you sound so white.”

The idea that some accents are superior or represent a more successful integration became an issue in Canada this week after Immigration Minister Jason Kenney tweeted that he met a young Iraqi refugee with “perfect, unaccented English”.

He ended up deleting the tweet, later saying he meant it as a “harmless observation.”

What the Minister failed to realize is this kind of attitude unfairly stigmatizes some “foreign” accents while simultaneously failing to acknowledge that “unaccented English” doesn’t exist.

This all takes place amid a series of Islamophobic initiatives leading up to the federal election on October 19. The federal government unsuccessfully fought a woman’s request to wear the niqab during her citizenship ceremony. There’s a new hotline and funding to fight “barbaric cultural practices.” And Prime Minister Stephen Harper has said that he still believes in revoking the citizenship of anyone convicted of terrorist offenses. The National Post even published a column proposing that repealing human rights laws would be “the better way” to deal with niqab wearers.

There have already been violent consequences. At least two women wearing the niqab have been attacked. One of them was pregnant.

All the discussion about “Canadian values” is really about getting one group to show up to the voting booth: one that is white, middle class, and scared of a specific kind of newcomer. For a country that prides itself on diversity, it is sad to see this kind of prejudicial treatment of immigrants rise again.

So, as we all suspected, even Canada is terrible. Thanks, Karen!

Today in Whatever This Is: The Dog of Wisdom

Today’s Song: Halsey’s “I Walk The Line” proves that a witchy indie-pop cover of the Johnny Cash standard can actually work.

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~And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and tabs followed with him.~

Today in Tabs would like to properly credit yesterday’s terrifying Trump in the Storm Drain picture to Sean Tejaratchi whose Tumblr is so funny that it might actually be dangerous. If anything still exists tomorrow, we’ll be on Fast Company and back in your email. If not, it was a pleasure and a privilege tabbing for you.

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