No, not really, but if they do find that the seasonal brine seepage NASA just discovered on Mars supports extraterrestrial life, I’ll have been the first to report it. And if not, hey, who believes anything they read in Tabs?
I just spilled a glass so I’m happy to report that there’s water on Maris.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) September 28, 2015
Speaking of seasonal brine seepage, the nation lost our Boehner last Friday, when the Ohio Republican and Sprinkler of the House announced he would resign his leadership and seat by the end of October. TNR’s Brian Beutler theorized that Boehner might block the most psychotically self-destructive parts of the Republican agenda before he goes, but that in the longer term the GOP is still hopelessly incapable of governing.
Which of course brings us to Donald Trump on 60 Minutes last night, blabbering the most absurd bollocks about “a [Mexican border] wall that will look good… we’re going to have a tremendous, beautiful, wide-open door. Nice big door.” Anyone willing to vote for this idiot will get exactly the government they deserve.1 Meanwhile Kanye is talking up Ben Carson, demonstrating once again that you can be a brilliant artist but also kind of a dumbass in other ways. And Buzzfeed is doing a candidates on campuses tour to promote its news app and once again revive every election cycle’s absurd dream that this time the college kids will vote, for sure.
every year thousands of boyfriends are hunted for their jeans alone
— ８６ Ｇｏｄ (@dust_pup) September 22, 2015
Other Nonsense: Trump’s ridiculous tax plan. The Pope’s ridiculous climate change encyclical and terrible pop/rock album. Tribune CEO Jack Griffin’s idea that mobile devices won’t replace newspapers, which they already have. Buzzfeed’s Mathew Guiver’s gross poverty tourism. The phrase “hot desking,” no no no never. Anything bylined “Bono and Mark Zuckerberg.”
Not Nonsense: All album reviews should be in the form of dancing gifs from now on. Meow the Jewels is out now! The unicode 9 emoji update may include bat, black heart, and wilted flower, making it the goth expansion pack we’ve all been waiting for. Jamie Lauren Keiles wrote about being depressed on Instagram, and Haley Mlotek used it as a kind of jumping off point to say that “Lol Everything Matters,” and I will never pass up such a golden opportunity to promote one of my favorite books, Ron Currie Jr.’s “Everything Matters!“. Read Larissa Pham on working at a sex shop. Larissa also writes a Tinyletter about sex which is filthy and often transcendent.
the best feature in es6 tho is definitely classes, it allows us to identify who we need to feed to wolves when the revolution comes
— Alice Maz (@alicemazzy) September 27, 2015
Today in Spiders: A Baboon Tarantula escaped in the cargo hold of a Delta flight waiting to depart Baltimore, forcing everyone to deplane and literally never fly again, and a strong Dirtbag of the Year contender in Michigan set a gas station on fire attempting to scare away a spider. Reached for comment on the event, Tabs Senior Arachnid Correspondent Jessie Guy-Ryan said: “Considering it was Michigan, I really doubt it was a spider of significant size. That spider was probably not nearly eldritch enough to warrant torching the entire gas station.”
Today’s Number of People Under 30: 30.
Today’s Song: Run The Jewels, “Oh My Darling Don’t Meow (Just Blaze Remix)”
~I’ll probably smell like a tab when they put me in the coffin~
- By which I mean the same fair, competent, and successsful Hillary Clinton administration that we all deserve as Americans, despite our many flaws. ↩