Everybody acts like snake oil is terrible, until they have an extremely creaky snake.
— Andrew S (@bn2b) December 9, 2014
“Why was I programmed to love ice cream so much?” commented media reporter and “scoop machine” Dylan Byers on his move from Politico to CNNMoney and/or CNN Politics. It is unclear whether those are the same thing, either at CNN or outside of it, or why “CNN” snuggles right up to “Money” but maintains a dignified distance from “Politics.”1 Anyway, call the roller of big cigars and let the TV lamp affix its beam! CNN’s new emperor is “The Scoop Machine!”
News leaked in People magazine yesterday that lime-skinned Lothario and suspected 9/11 mastermind Kermit the Frog has been porking a new swine, the smoldering and impeccably cat-eyed “ABC head of marketing” Denise. A response quickly appeared in Jezebel by an anonymous author who we can only say is definitely not Miss Piggy. The Guardian’s Megan Carpentier wasn’t impressed by “boring new model Denise,” nor were many fans. Apparently we believe that Kermit owes us more years of stoic suffering in what was clearly an abusive and unwanted “relationship?” Hi-ho! Just some flies for thought here.
Mike Bloomberg whipped out his B-Unit yesterday and started what are expected to be 80 to 100 editorial layoffs at the media empire to which he recently returned like a vengeful yet fastidious God. The cuts were followed by a long memo from new editor John Micklethwait, who decried “lengthy self-indulgent stories” while approvingly citing the success of Paul Ford’s “What Is Code” twice, so it sounds like the job is already putting his degree from the prestigious Toyota School Of Journalism to the test.
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
— jawbroken (@jawbroken) November 7, 2010
Frequent guest-tabber and head of several made-up Tabs editorial departments Jessie Guy-Ryan has a story in The Verge about the residential addiction treatment program her brother is currently in that is perfectly reported and written, and also made me cry, so go read that. Then after taking a moment to collect yourself, you should also read past guest-tabber Jaya Saxena’s Honest and Realistic Cover Letter in The Billfold. They’re both enormously talented, and I’m lucky to have been perceptive and amoral enough to recognize and exploit them for it.
Nerd hero invents 54-drone douche-copter. Xerox scanners have been lying to you for years. Franzen is a great writer who may nevertheless not be exactly human, argues Grantland’s Brian Phillips. I mean he is Lord of the Birds, so like duh? Today in our horrible natural world: The House Centipede. Comedy is an industry full of cool and good men like so many other industries. Bill Cosby portrait done in rapeseed was banned from the Minnesota State Fair but will live forever in our hearts. The 2016 US presidential race has not started yet. And finally, Google changed its logo, prompting the usual outraged responses from designers:
Today’s Song: Soft Lit, “Ocean King“
~and bid him whip in kitchen cups concupiscent tabs.~
Today in Tabs was born in the 70s and is not sorry for being emotionally invested in the romantic lives of puppets. We’re brought to you by Fast Company and you can subscribe to the email on TinyLetter. Watch out here comes the footnote
1. J/k neither of those things is unclear at all.