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Today in Tabs: I’m Not a Watchman, I’m a Watch, Man

A sword in a stone, a desk made of skulls, and in the darkest hour of night, a horrible voice whispers: “what if we just reinvented Usenet?”

Today in Tabs: I’m Not a Watchman, I’m a Watch, Man
[Photos: Flickr users Christopher Michel, Nan Palmero]

Reddit, the internet’s largest white supremacist message board for young men, finally succeeded in pushing CEO Ellen Pao off the glass cliff on Friday. Representative users like /r/coontown moderator “DylannStormRoof” were elated with the change and expressed their delight in the site’s traditional “fun violent misogynist” argot. Pao will be replaced by Reddit co-founder and BIPM International Prototype Bro Steve Huffman, who believes that there’s room for every kind of hate under Reddit’s big tent.

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Reply All did a good background episode on this last week, before Pao resigned. Longtime internet community manager Chuq Von Rospach argued convincingly that Reddit is effectively dead, since the biker bar in the basement inevitably drives out anyone who doesn’t want to party in a biker bar, and later suggested that Reddit’s (purely theoretical) commitment to free speech could also be salvaged by reinventing Usenet. If you’re not familiar with internet history, “reinventing Usenet” is a euphemism for “burning everything, salting the earth, and shunning the cursed ground even unto the seventh generation.”


“The Farhaded States of America,” Andrew Simone, 2015

Friday, Friday, Also Fired on Friday: Lord @Business Joshua Topolsky either quit Bloomberg or was fired Friday, after reportedly laughing at elderly micromanager Michael Bloomberg’s dumb ideas. Everyone was extremely polite, and Topolsky is already looking forward to his (not yet announced) new job at Fusion, but all signs point to a return to Bloomberg’s signature chaos and infighting, perhaps spurred most recently by blood-drenched William the Conqueror descendent and former Economist editor John Micklethwait, whose desk is reportedly made of skulls without bylines.

U.S. Office of Personnel Management head Katherine Archuleta also “stepped down” Friday, after the agency admitted that it lost the personal information of 21 million Americans to unknown hackers. The agency has promised all 21 million affected people three years of free identity-protection service, to be provided by the first credit monitoring agency that can pull the ancient sword from this stone.

Meanwhile, some idiots bought completely cynical internet crap factory ViralNova for $100 million, which works out to $2,777,777.78 per month of the site’s remaining effective lifespan.

“Accidents of history sometimes place otherwise unknown people in historic spotlights,” wrote Harper Lee’s attorney and legacy-plunderer Tonja Carter in a historically clumsy and disingenuous Wall St. Journal opinion piece that describes her “discovery” of the manuscript that would become “Go Set A Watchman.” The first chapter of Lee/Carter’s new novel, a gritty “Mockingbird” reboot set in an alternate Maycomb, Alabama where Atticus Finch is openly racist and loathsome instead of secretly racist and admirable, is available on The Guardian. New York Times book critic Michiko Kakutani doesn’t render an unambiguous thumbs up or down but her review is well worth reading.

I was running out of ways to describe new Republican candidates for President, so I’m grateful to Kaili Joy Gray for “Another Dumb A-Hole Is Going To Not Be President, And This Time It’s Scott Walker.” AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka’s response was similarly pithy:

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Ariana “yes I know it doesn’t literally mean ‘spider'” Grande apologized again, sort of, for licking a donut. It’s the most excruciating thing ever posted on YouTube; the aliens will use it as an excuse to eradicate us and will be right to have done so. A black conservative group defended Bill Cosby, seizing a golden opportunity to be just as awful as white conservatives. ArnoldC is “A programming language based on the one-liners of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hallie Bateman and Josephine Livingstone suggest better insecurities. And finally, the weekend’s best tweetstorm: “We just need to be dudes together: A ukulele story.”

Today in Fleeing for High Ground:The Really Big One,” Kathryn Schulz’s tale of the impending devastation of the Pacific Northwest in The New Yorker, really is as good a read as everyone says.

Today’s Song: Rihanna, “Bitch Better Have My Money (Korn Remix)

~Accidents of history sometimes place otherwise unknown people in historic tabs.~

Today in Tabs is happy to report that nothing has happened so far today, as far as I know, so I’m sure tomorrow’s Tabs will just be really great pieces of writing about enlightening and interesting *looks at Twitter* oh. Never mind. Anyway find us on Fast Company or in your email, and until then don’t @ me.

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