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Today in Tabs: Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End

Everything is broken.

Today in Tabs: Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End
[Photos: Flickr users Pat Bell, Brian Glanz, thetaxhaven]

It’s closing time for movie site The Dissolve, which was actually good and therefore got flattened by our media’s howling derecho of garb. It’s also the end of the road for the ex-social media manager of racist butter golem Paula Deen, who reminded everyone yesterday that Paula Deen has always been terrible. A public service, if you ask me, but she wasn’t keen on it. Whoever pulled the plug on United Airlines’s computer this morning is probably looking for a job, as is Jared Fogle, the bland person-analog who promoted Subway’s bland food-analog until he found himself in the midst of a child-porn investigation that seems conjured directly from weird Twitter.

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And then the New York Stock Exchange suspended trading, so perhaps today is also closing time for global capitalism! The Chinese stock market has been low-key collapsing for a week, and the Wall St. Journal’s website decided to take the morning off as well. Just remember, through all this, that Everything is Broken and it’s a miracle when any computer system works at all. And if you find yourself with some unexpected free time today, maybe watch the Adventure Time glitch episode?

Today in Creeps: Spin apologized for its factually wrong and tonally repugnant review of the new Vince Staples album by bad writer and worse person M.T. Richards, who was last seen harassing rapper Kitty Pryde and then moving on to harass Beejoli Shah, apparently because she wrote about him harassing Kitty Pryde. If this dude’s unreadable sentences don’t convince you not to hire him, at least let his indefensible behavior do it. Buzzfeed’s Grace Spelman wrote a harmless humor post about sexts you’d love to get, but as we all know men don’t really have a sense of humor so look what happened when some PUA bro stumbled across it and took it rully srs. And from there it made its way to the internet’s dumbest corner, the bodybuilding forums, where as far as I know, they’re still arguing about how many days there are in a week. And finally: lol THIS GUY!!

Laura Hudson’s Slate review of nostalgia-humper Ernest “Ready Player One” Cline’s new book is one of the finest sustained literary burns I’ve seen in a long time:

After nearly 100 pages of overly specific descriptions of Zack’s online battles with his friends, everything changes when a spaceship ripped from the game itself lands on the front lawn of school, and a man emerges to announce that Zack is so good at video games that he has been enlisted to fight aliens.

If that sounds familiar to you, that’s probably because you’ve seen the movie The Last Starfighter, which is about a young boy who is so good at video games that he is enlisted to fight aliens. Or perhaps Ender’s Game, a story about a young boy who is so good at video games that he is enlisted to fight aliens.

Remember Jim Gilmore? No of course you don’t, no one does. Well he’s running for President too, according to the most heartbreaking campaign tease I’ve ever seen. Keep your chin up, little guy. Trying is what matters.

Maine Governor Paul LePage has been counting days according to the bodybuilder forum calendar. We are now post-meme according to Nick Douglas. Have an 800-track chronological playlist of music from the 90’s. Rembert Browne ponders: to swoll, or not to swoll? Dirtbag Louis XIV. Olivia Taters is back on Twitter. And finally, Felix Salmon wrote about Greece and bitcoin, which I KNOW but believe me it’s actually very good and worth reading.

Today in Shovels: Smells Like Teen Shovel (via Noisey)

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Today’s Song: It’s got to be Semisonic’s “Closing Time” come on now.

~Open all the tabs and let you out into the world~

Today in Tabs is just as eager for the end of capitalism as the rest of you, but I suspect it has not yet arrived. Until the lights go out and the wolves close in at last, you can find us on Fast Company and in your email. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

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