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Today in Tabs: Bitch Better Have My Tabs

Don’t watch that Surströmming video unless your day needs ruining.

Today in Tabs: Bitch Better Have My Tabs
[Photos: Surstomming: via Wikimedia Commons, Ingredients: Flickr user Björn Söderqvist, Rihanna: Rihanna VEVO]

Rihanna released her self-directed, much-anticipated and not at all SFW video for “Bitch Better Have My Money,” giving the world a rich new source of gifs and instantly spawning a preëmptive backlash that’s just waiting for the first clueless white dude to pop up with a Hot Take about Rihanna’s feminism. The video’s plot seems to refer very specifically to Rihanna’s recent near-bankruptcy and lawsuit against the accountant she holds responsible. The court case was settled in 2014, for a reported $10 million, but it looks like Rihanna’s personal grudge may be settled today as well.

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It’s a holiday weekend, so let’s just keep talking about music. Titus Andronicus’s pre-rock-opera promotional frenzy continues with a 15-minute short film called “The Magic Morning” which is punk as hell. Also in NJ indie news, The Wrens have supposedly finished their new album for realsies and no kidding this time. Prince unexpectedly released a single. Reached for comment this morning, Anil Dash was still extemporaneously lecturing about its context in Prince’s overall oeuvre when I quietly hung up on him after more than 35 minutes. Haley Mlotek definitively ranked the 42 songs of the summer in The Hairpin. Little known fact: before the oldest song on this list was released, there was no summer, only the miserable “sweltermonths” and their hot, oppressive silence. And finally, the online community of Creed fans, the “Creedmunity,” would like MGM to please change the name of its upcoming “Rocky” spinoff film, as it is “stifling conversation by flooding social media hashtags and searches with non-music Creed discussion.” Suggested alternatives include “Rocky’s Creed,” “Apollo Creed’s Son,” and the Wikipedia-esque “Creed (not the band).”

The NY Times said you should put peas in guacamole, sparking the kind of social media outrage Kony 2012 only dreamed of. Jeb Bush and Barack Obama were united in condemnation and the internet’s rage eventually drove NYT public editor Margaret Sullivan off the grid entirely. Also in food trolling, Felix Salmon wants men to drink more Rosé (which you can call “brosé” if you want to volunteer to be first against the wall when the revolution starts), North Carolina’s sharks continue to have the munchies, and Buzzfeed made a video about Sweden’s canned fermented herring product, Surströmming, which is so disgusting I still have post-traumatic stress from it.

Looks like Salon will be the next content mine to unionize. Steven Colbert hosted a public access cable TV show in Monroe, Michigan for no obvious reason. Carl Mark Force pleaded guilty to extortion, money laundering and obstruction of justice charges related to his investig(exploit)ation of the online crime market Silk Road. Parker Posey keeps it weird. Florida Man lives the action hero dream. Alexis Coe: “Lesson one: Don’t go unarmed.” And Sesame Street’s “Maria” is retiring after 44 years.

Today is also Intern Romy’s last day! I will miss her, and I hope you will as well, but if you’d like to hire her to write for you, either in a personal or an editorial capacity, you can certainly do that! Thanks also to her generous sponsors, Qapital and Slack for making it possible. Today she leaves us with an unsettling question: what if there is such a thing as a forever tab?

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by ROMY SUGDEN

By their very nature, tabs are meant to be closed. Apart from e-mail and maybe Twitter (never tweet), tabs flitter in and out of our existence, peppering our day with information, nonsense, and #content. But there is always the possibility that, one day, you will open a tab that is never meant to be closed. You may try, your cursor hovering over the little x, but something inside you says, “No, not quite yet. I may still need this.” I hope that some of you may have already found your one true tab, but if not, let me lend you mine for the day.

I first opened my forever tab, “5,000 wasps found in St Cross bedroom,” when my fiancée (woot woot) e-mailed it to me over ten months ago, hoping to make me laugh, or maybe gross me out. I’ve had it open in my browser every day since. The tab has everything. Drama. Humor, Pathos. Empathy. Mystery. Several moments that belong in a horror film. A hed that you can sing to the tune of Seasons of Love.

We live in a garbage world, dear readers, so seek solace where you can. Writing these intern tabs has been like therapy, with the added bonus that they helped me pay for my actual therapy. So thank you all for putting up with the recommendations, screeds, and feminist rants, the overshares, and all the about dot me’s. And thanks to Rusty, whose inscrutable morning e-mails filled me with terror, but ultimately made me a better writer. Above all, thank you “5,000 wasps found in St. Cross bedroom,” for being my constant friend, my anchor in this sea of trash that is the Internet. RIP.

I thought I would never forget you either Romy, but the picture in that wasp tab has driven everything else out of my mind completely. Next month there will not be an intern, partly because I didn’t feel like hustling for sponsors and partly to take a break and see what other new things I might do here instead. Maybe nothing! We shall see. If you have bright ideas or are interested in sponsorship of any kind, get at me.

Long Weekend #Longread: Ellen Cushing went on tour with DigiTour, a live event for social media stars that, if you’re not a teenage girl, you almost certainly don’t understand. Her story about it is good, read it.

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Happy Fourth of July! Here are pictures of a crow riding an eagle, which is the national bird of Goth America.


Fireworks are only visible in the dark.

~Who y’all think y’all frontin’ on? Like tab, tab, tab~

Hot dogs or burgers? Who wants cheese? Beer’s in the cooler. Fast Company brought the potato salad, TinyLetter’s doing cannonballs in the pool. If you don’t have fireworks, blow up my Twitter @rustyk5.

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