Shipping Forecast areas to be renamed as follows: Kanye, Grexit, Isis, Tyrion, North Cronut, South Cronut, Hashtag, NotAllMen, The 45.
— Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) June 28, 2015
On Sunday, Monica Heisey capped 10 paragraphs of Guardian praise for Amy Schumer with two paragraphs of extremely mild criticism of the lazy racism of some of her older standup material, and suggested “perhaps a Schumer backlash is inevitable.” We all know where this is headed right? “We thought you were different!” cried the fans as they read Schumer’s Patton Oswalt-level notes-app-screenshot-subtweet response. Don’t “burn me at the stake,” she later Ronsoned. Jessica Goldstein looked at both tedious sides of this incredibly repetitive controversy that somehow comedians cannot stop having over and over, like we’re all going to live a billion years and can afford to have this argument any number of times without a care for the literally irreplaceable moments of our lives it keeps consuming. In Vulture, E. Alex Jung came to Schumer’s defense, as someone was bound to in the, by now, entirely predictable progress of this story. Last night Schumer reached the blocking randos on Twitter stage of caremad, and as of now it remains to be seen whether some kind friend will take her phone away and let this dumb story die.
never going to hit the one day record of Humans Not Being Trash, are we?
— The Nearest Hippie (@vmochama) June 29, 2015
Rat-tailed cannibal Shia LaBeouf went freestyle at some kind of dirtbag pond party, and his bars were honestly not too bad for someone who is generally not known for his sick flow, except that, like his first movie, he apparently ripped them off from someone else—in this case Anomolies. Particularly egregious is the “gas mask/last laugh” kicker, but he didn’t steal the weird part about potatoes. The potato stuff was all Shia.
Today in Brief: Gavin McInnes will never stop embarrassing VICE even though he hasn’t worked there for nearly a decade. Uber is apparently selling $1.2 billion in bonds based on “substantially old numbers that do not reflect business activities today.” That inspires confidence. Anshuman Iddamsetty commences Project Total Yang. Bitcoin is primarily a way to turn an enormous amount of electricity into theft. Screams screamed. Shingy reveals that snake people don’t like ads. Behind the dildo flag. Walmart’s ISIS cake was not dildos, but they apologized for making it anyway. What to do if a woman is funny on Twitter. Los Angeles is the new London for the bottom 0.99 of the 1%. Polyamory is once again dragged out to cure a bad relationship, but this time with a libertarian spin! Let the great free-market experiment begin!
Today in Burns:
#AskELJames after the success of “Grey,” have you considered re-telling the story from the perspective of someone who can write
— Andrew Vestal (@avestal) June 29, 2015
It was early when I read her email but I think Intern Romy said she was going to explain why Mulholland Drive isn’t a real film, which I 100% agree with, cause that thing makes no sense!
Oh, awk. Well I’m not a gamer at all, but for what it’s worth I’ve also heard that Her Story is really good. I still don’t understand Mulholland Drive though. But enough about that because here is
THE WORST THING ON THE INTERNET:
Todays Song: Meek Mill, “Classic” ft. Swizz Beatz
~ We train young men to drop tabs on people, but their commanders won’t allow them to write “fuck” on their airplanes because it’s obscene!~
Today in Tabs is terribly sorry for that Minion above. You were a good person and didn’t deserve to die that way. Please tell your next of kin to find us on Fast Company or subscribe by email, so they can remember what you were like.