The news is all over the place today. Massacres in Kuwait and Tunisia, a literal decapitation in France. But then we also have the Supreme Court going full Oprah, except instead of bees it’s giving everyone health care and gay marriage. Was that last sentence just an excuse to use the Oprah Bees gif, you may be wondering? Yes it was! Let’s roll that gif:
But what about all the unimportant things that happened? Like “Google’s self-driving Lexus cuts off self-driving Audi,” leaving us all with a new understanding of driverless cars as robot suburban commuter assholes. Someone named a cat “The Buzz About Twitter!” and has apparently not yet been arrested? Abstinence poster child Bristol Palin continues to exemplify the effectiveness of abstinence education as a birth control strategy. Remember #seapunk? MTV does. The only person still confused about what the Confederate flag means is 2016 Democratic hopeful and lifelike mashed potato sculpture Jim Webb, who later clarified his thoughts on his website:
Can You Have It All? (20s) Can you have a super-fulfilling career but also a full social life and still make a “moderately comfortable living” asks Cataloguer of Thoughts and literal 26 year old Chelsea Fagan.
Can You Have It All? (30s) But what if you find yourself in your 30s and you already own your “luxury dream home” on one salary because you carefully budgeted and scrimped for the necessities like a ride-on lawnmower and a generator, but your “uterus literally aches” for a third child? What if you went to the Child Store and all the children they had were too expensive for you to buy?! What then? If you are Sarah Scott, you just bravely make your “quiet sacrifice,” never mentioning it except in the pages of Elle Decor, and you content yourself instead with knowing when there’s a storm a-comin’ on account of the ol’ achey uterus.
Itsy-Bitsy Spider is a child’s first lesson in nihilism.
— Ian Bogost (@ibogost) June 26, 2015
Can You Watch It All? What if your family has been tasked for generations by eldritch forces with watching a random house in Westfield, New Jersey and some family moves into it? How can you figure out who’s in which bedroom, and also show them what’s in the walls? It’s so lonely, the thing in the walls. So lonely, and so hungry.
It’s Friday: Stop pretending to work and read some things instead. Katie J.M. Baker wrote about the amateur internet detectives obsessed with who set Jessica Chambers on fire last December. Early NYTimes Mag by Jamie Lowe: ‘I don’t believe in God, but I believe in lithium’. Or how about Alexandra Petri on why every state flag is bad in the Washington Post (trigger warning: funny).
Tried to buy a ticket for this last night and was LAUGHED AT 🙁 pic.twitter.com/45H9fzgSqJ
— Adam (@adamplease) June 26, 2015
Intern Romy has had a pretty easy week so far, so when she sent me three possible intern tab topics this morning I told her to do all of them in less than 250 words. Let’s see how she did!
She says this is 249 words but I think that’s only if you consider “Not-at-all-speaking” to be a single word, which: hmmmmmm.
Today’s Song: How about any of these potential Songs of the Summer offered up by former guest Tabs intern Vijith Assar.
~The world is a tab fire~
things fall apart in the streets; the center cannot hold in the sheets
— mark leidner (@markleidner) June 25, 2015