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Today in Tabs: Everything Is So Much Worse Than You Think

Is this Tabs or hipster poetry? Only you can decide.

Today in Tabs: Everything Is So Much Worse Than You Think
[Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty Images]

Today in Tabs started (and is still often described) as an overview of the day’s hate-reads, but I have moved away from that lately. You might almost think the `net as a whole has moved away from that, but you would be wrong! Here is a guy who would like to tell you about the very serious drawbacks of living at Chicago’s Trump Tower. “The gym is NOT open 24 hours,” for example, and “The carpet in the hallways is thick and plush, such that when you walk from the elevator, down the hallway to your unit, you are shocked from touching the metal door handle to enter your unit.” Obviously times are hard for everyone.

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Or, hey, are you from A Broken Family? Well chances are you’re damaged beyond repair, but Sky Lacea has good news. You might also have some of the same positive human qualities as non-broken people! So you can add that to your OKCupid profile.

David Goldberg, Sheryl Sandberg’s husband, and the father of their two young children, collapsed while exercising on vacation and tragically died of head trauma. But before the details of his death were released, blog fameball and transparently unhappy person Penelope Trunk took the opportunity to speculate (with zero evidence) that he killed himself, and blamed his wife’s “Lean In” movement for his death. After details of Golberg’s death were clarified, she went full suicide Truther. (Previously in Penelope Trunk mining her own problems for clicks.)

What about men on the internet? Are they terrible? Yes they are! A finance-tech CTO is obsessed with the rate of herpes in unmarried women and uses it to ask the inherently disgusting questions: “Are women in technology industry [sic] worth mentoring? Do their values disqualify them from the privilege of being mentored?” In The Federalist, Matthew Cochran argues that the real rape culture is women having sex at all: “A consent that may flit to and fro from moment to moment and which ought not be subject to any external influence or pressure is, for all practical purposes, indistinguishable from mere whim.” I could go on, but that’s probably enough to make my point, which is that the internet is still a pyroclastic trash volcano and we should all run away from it and jump into the ocean like this dog:

spplaasshhh

One way to determine how long you have lived in New York is how many sentences it takes you to realize that Benjamin Hart’s “Why I Left New York” essay in the Awl is satire. If, in fact, it is. Bee tee dubs of course you cannot rent a two bedroom cottage in Echo Park for $1250.

Jason@textfilesScott told off Ben Smith in an Instagram comment thread and it was a beautiful thing. Serial’s greatest mystery has been solved. The Robot Alternate Universe Where Everyone Watches Friends Alone. Buy t-shirts from extinct startups. In what is ostensibly a review of some new “smart plate,” Liz Lopatto systematically demolished the idea that quantifying your food will do anything for your health. Today in paralyzing horror. Memes are weird sometimes. Joss Whedon left Twitter.

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You may have noticed that I didn’t mention the Met Gala at all. That’s because I don’t know what it is, but intern Karen Ho (who adorably signs her emails to me “Your intern, Karen”) has promised to explain it:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by KAREN HO

The Met Ball is supposedly a fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum in New York, but it is really a fashion show organized by Anna Wintour that somehow is a bigger deal than the Oscars. The tickets alone cost the equivalent of an entire year’s wages of most magazine interns and there is some sort of contest for who can pull off the most sheer fabric accentuated by sparkly highlights.

This year’s theme was China, which wasn’t problematic at all or ripe for meme-ification.

Some attendees ignored the theme to their great advantage, some of them went to town, others appeared mildly confused. Thankfully, no one put chopsticks in their hair.

To the event’s credit, there was a large number of people of colour prominently featured and included in the event. The American fashion industry is notorious for featuring mostly white faces, so it was a pleasant change to see so many Black, Hispanic and Asian designers, actors, and even business tycoons of various ages.

A princess may have been born in England this week, but it was Rihanna who commanded a dress so regal and glorious it required the assistance of three people. She even chose a gown by Guo Pei, an actual Chinese couture designer. As Wayne and Garth would say, we are not worthy.


To call this luminous would be an understatement

Reminder: Karen needs another sponsor! Also, Rihanna’s dress looked just like a slime mold and slime molds are amazing.

Today’s Song: all right fine, it’s Trap Queen, whatever.

~She my tab queen, just a thirsty rando~

Well I promised yesterday that things would be under control today and they are obviously not. I will keep trying until Fast Company stops letting me get away with this, or your email provider refuses to deliver it. If that happens, you can follow @rustyk5.

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