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Today in Tabs: May You Go Fourth And Prosper

Is your girlfriend a horse? Read on to find out!

Today in Tabs: May You Go Fourth And Prosper
[Photos: Flickr users Ryan Mannie, Raido, and holbox via Shutterstock]

Every Monday it’s tempting to just recap the weekend’s New York Times, but I usually manage to resist. Today I will not even try, because this weekend the Times discovered a strange, desert otherworld supposedly located in an unexplored region west of the Hudson river. It’s called “Los Angeles,” which means “just like New York but habitable by humans” in the laconic local pidgin. But if you can’t sneak past the hooded figures guarding the prohibited dog park and find the portal to this desert otherworld, you’ll be relieved to learn that you can finally get a condo in the Hamptons for only $3 or $4 million! I mean, they’re tiny–like 4,700 square feet!–so you wouldn’t want to spend more than a few days there, but the upside is that servants will care for all your needs. And finally: “Is there a greater hack in America than David Fucking Brooks? asks Jia Tolentino. Arguably yes, but her point stands.

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Meanwhile, the New Yorker dot print got a visit from the Gren Squad1, reporting on some slightly more realistic estate: a cheap Lower East Side apartment with a shower in the kitchen. Olde-time New York was full of this kind of thing: bedrooms inside closets, doors that were also toilets, windows that looked out onto other windows, that looked back into the apartment you were already in, except everything was shifted a little to the left and someone happier lived there. Most of these quirky places have disappeared now, leaving odd voids in otherwise normal-looking buildings. Thanks De Blasio!

Today in Politics: Maybe Capitol Hill is littered with forgotten guns, but Texas is batshit crazy y’all. I’m not even going to try to summarize, just read it. The genuinely dreadful Carly Fiorina is running for President, if anyone cares. The Chair of the F.E.C. has pre-emptively declared defeat in the 2016 Presidential election, so all rules are off, and I’m thrilled to announce that Today in Tabs is offering a Koch Brothers special for conservative candidates: only $2.3 million a month. Email me, Marco! 😉 Kirstie Alley cleared of wrongdoing in bridge closing scandal. Chris Christie is screwed though.

Bankrupt on Selling: Some Detroit Satanists started accepting Bitcoin. The buried lede here is that Satanism is apparently just a lame self-help movement? I’m not giving up my `coin unless someone in a leather cape is buying sacrificial bats with it. Maybe Facebook should buy Twitter. Maybe Twitter should buy Mic. Maybe #brands should buy in to Vox’s CMS. Maybe literally anyone should buy Circa please please buy us we’re all going to be out of a job soon love Circa PS we’ll sell really cheap. Like… really cheap, if you know what we mean. Have you seen Requiem For a Dream? No, no reason, we were just wondering.

Amanda Chicago Lewis has a long report for Buzzfeed about Butane Hash Oil and the frontiers of legal weed, and I hope you know by now that my tolerance for #longreads is low so when I say I read this whole thing you can take that as a major endorsement.

It’s May Fourth! Better known to fans of the wizarding world as Star Trek Day!

Welcome new intern Karen Ho! You can follow her on twitter @karenkho and you may not follow her IRL because she is literally huddled on a glacier, I think, and she will see you coming from kilometers away. Karen is brought to you by Orbit Books’s “A Crown for Cold Silver,” which sounds like quite something, and which you can preview online right now. The other of this month’s sponsorship slots opened up unexpectedly at the last minute, so if you have $800 and something to promote to about 11,000 (mostly) media people, please email me and we’ll make that happen.

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TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by KAREN HO

I would have never predicted this a few months ago, but after I read Choire Sicha’s advice column, I quit my job and moved to Yellowknife, in Canada’s Northwest Territories, a town so small and northern it doesn’t even have 911. It also gets fewer than five hours of sunlight a day for three winter months, when temperatures are below minus thirty Fahrenheit for weeks at a time. It snowed two days ago. Needless to say, there is a lot of drinking.

Before this, I spent pretty much my entire life in Toronto. I hated the cold. But now I get to learn about a lot of different things and write about them for a living. The northern lights are also pretty great.

I was encouraged to apply to be the Tabs intern by Elon Green, a man who introduced me to Montero’s, an unusual number of topless photos of Geraldo, the strange micro-fame of his unbearably cute child and the true joy of a lifelong addiction to flip flops.

Truly, no one knows where the hell journalism is going, so you might as well have fun while you can. I’ve written stories on how high-end leather fetish companies made money off of Fifty Shades of Grey, why journalists fail to realize their industry as a whole is a shitty product for its next generation of staff and why Rob Ford’s brother’s comments about Chinese people were full of crap. I now report mostly on restaurants, airline companies, tourism and some huge mines. I try hard to not think about my eight years of online dating or what thirteen trips to Disney World as a child does to a person.

This is a talking pineapple that was genuinely used to teach elementary school children French, and that I recently referenced during a date:

My first week in Yellowknife went okay:

Things became a little crazy after that. We’ll get to why soon.

I somehow remember that pineapple, which is strange since I’m not Canadian. Maybe it’s just a sort of Jungian archetype thing. The mother, the child, the trickster, the francophone pineapple, and so forth.

Statistically Improbable Phrases:an intrusive amount of alien abductions for some…

Today’s Important Question: Is your girlfriend a horse?

~Nos onglets sont têtus, nos repentirs sont lâches~

Today in Tabs doesn’t really know what happened today. I promise things will be back under control tomorrow. Until then, find us on Fast Company and in your email.

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1. If you got this joke, and not because I explained it to you earlier this morning, you win Tabs!

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