I’m going to start a podcast called “I’m A Big Dick About Podcasts.” From now on, I’m a Podcast Critic. Fear me.
— Heather Havrilesky (@hhavrilesky) May 1, 2015
Every Monday it’s tempting to just recap the weekend’s New York Times, but I usually manage to resist. Today I will not even try, because this weekend the Times discovered a strange, desert otherworld supposedly located in an unexplored region west of the Hudson river. It’s called “Los Angeles,” which means “just like New York but habitable by humans” in the laconic local pidgin. But if you can’t sneak past the hooded figures guarding the prohibited dog park and find the portal to this desert otherworld, you’ll be relieved to learn that you can finally get a condo in the Hamptons for only $3 or $4 million! I mean, they’re tiny–like 4,700 square feet!–so you wouldn’t want to spend more than a few days there, but the upside is that servants will care for all your needs. And finally: “Is there a greater hack in America than David Fucking Brooks? asks Jia Tolentino. Arguably yes, but her point stands.
Meanwhile, the New Yorker dot print got a visit from the Gren Squad1, reporting on some slightly more realistic estate: a cheap Lower East Side apartment with a shower in the kitchen. Olde-time New York was full of this kind of thing: bedrooms inside closets, doors that were also toilets, windows that looked out onto other windows, that looked back into the apartment you were already in, except everything was shifted a little to the left and someone happier lived there. Most of these quirky places have disappeared now, leaving odd voids in otherwise normal-looking buildings. Thanks De Blasio!
“my struggle” should actually be about wanting to eat your lunch at 11am
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) May 4, 2015
Today in Politics: Maybe Capitol Hill is littered with forgotten guns, but Texas is batshit crazy y’all. I’m not even going to try to summarize, just read it. The genuinely dreadful Carly Fiorina is running for President, if anyone cares. The Chair of the F.E.C. has pre-emptively declared defeat in the 2016 Presidential election, so all rules are off, and I’m thrilled to announce that Today in Tabs is offering a Koch Brothers special for conservative candidates: only $2.3 million a month. Email me, Marco! 😉 Kirstie Alley cleared of wrongdoing in bridge closing scandal. Chris Christie is screwed though.
Bankrupt on Selling: Some Detroit Satanists started accepting Bitcoin. The buried lede here is that Satanism is apparently just a lame self-help movement? I’m not giving up my `coin unless someone in a leather cape is buying sacrificial bats with it. Maybe Facebook should buy Twitter. Maybe Twitter should buy Mic. Maybe #brands should buy in to Vox’s CMS. Maybe literally anyone should buy Circa please please buy us we’re all going to be out of a job soon love Circa PS we’ll sell really cheap. Like… really cheap, if you know what we mean. Have you seen Requiem For a Dream? No, no reason, we were just wondering.
Those Tesla batteries look like the buttocks of a slim stylish robot pic.twitter.com/BNtaWdlm6w
— Mark Slutsky (@totallyslutsky) May 1, 2015
Amanda Chicago Lewis has a long report for Buzzfeed about Butane Hash Oil and the frontiers of legal weed, and I hope you know by now that my tolerance for #longreads is low so when I say I read this whole thing you can take that as a major endorsement.
It’s May Fourth! Better known to fans of the wizarding world as Star Trek Day!
Welcome new intern Karen Ho! You can follow her on twitter @karenkho and you may not follow her IRL because she is literally huddled on a glacier, I think, and she will see you coming from kilometers away. Karen is brought to you by Orbit Books’s “A Crown for Cold Silver,” which sounds like quite something, and which you can preview online right now. The other of this month’s sponsorship slots opened up unexpectedly at the last minute, so if you have $800 and something to promote to about 11,000 (mostly) media people, please email me and we’ll make that happen.
I somehow remember that pineapple, which is strange since I’m not Canadian. Maybe it’s just a sort of Jungian archetype thing. The mother, the child, the trickster, the francophone pineapple, and so forth.
Statistically Improbable Phrases: “an intrusive amount of alien abductions for some…”
Today’s Important Question: Is your girlfriend a horse?
~Nos onglets sont têtus, nos repentirs sont lâches~
1. If you got this joke, and not because I explained it to you earlier this morning, you win Tabs!