Today in Tabs: Every Lizard, Consumed

If a baseball player signs an autograph for an invisible fan, can it still be sold on eBay? And other modern koans considered.

Today in Tabs: Every Lizard, Consumed
[Screenshot: via Blue Origin, Selfie Arm: Aric Snee via Crowe]

Secret won’t so much pivot as give up and fall over, or “fail fast” which is the Silicon Valley euphemism for “con VCs out of their cash and buy a sweet Ferrari.”


There are reports that the Apple Watch wrist sensor might not work if you have a wrist tattoo. Quartz extended this to speculation that it also may not work properly for black people, but apparently were unable to obtain either an Apple Watch or a black person by press time. In The Message, Joanne McNeil suggests that the main problem with the Apple Watch is that it is a watch.

Also in tech: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company Space Dong successfully tested a rocket yesterday.

The Washington Post published an utterly ridiculous Baltimore police department trial balloon floating the absurd notion that Freddie Gray broke his own neck while in police custody. “Baltimore PD really must think we’re a bunch of prize idiots who will swallow any old pile of garbage,” wrote Rusty Foster just now, in this newsletter. “Christ, what a pack of assholes.”

Racist History Fun-Fact Corner: The now-popular strategy of beating oneself to death while in police custody was pioneered by Steven Biko, in apartheid South Africa:

Ashleigh Banfield is “livid!” David Simon followed up “go home” with end the drug war” in an interview that was not as long as The Wire but said all of the same things. Baseball! The crack of the bat! The clearly-audible self-conscious chatter between players! The dull clunk of a ball landing in an empty seat among thousands of other empty seats! America’s pastime!


“Yayyyy!” cheered no one.

Association is Free: A Casey Johnston two-fer: quantifying her tabs and “Boy, are you…” Today in Tumblr: “Drink From a Toilet, Ratbody” vs. “I’ve consumed every lizard I have ever encountered.” Knausgård on Mt. Rushmore: “I stared at the four faces, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Sheen, and Hulk Hogan, I am almost sure.” “Today in Tabs has the Simpsons trivia knowledge to be a mensch to teammates, but scouts say narrow teeth could be an issue.” Edgar Allen Poe’s hair plus the CRISPR gene-editing technique gives me an idea. I better check with a man about it though, I wouldn’t want to “drift… into ideologically biased assumptions.” It’s all true, I read it on nytimes dot cat. Meow tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say: “Selfie arm.” “Farhad bidet.” “Moon drawings.” “Dadbod.” “Dadbod!” “DADBOD!!”

And finally, Jon Stewart gave former Bush administration marionette Judith Miller a Gronking to remember on the Daily Show last night. The extended interview is well worth your 22 minutes.

Intern News! I’m thrilled to report that May’s intern will be Canadian journalist Karen K. Ho. We will all get to know Karen quite a bit better in the next month, but for now let’s just enjoy our short remaining time with Avery Edison, who has promised to explain the upcoming British election somehow.


I have no idea what’s going on in my country! The United Kingdom (which is made up of–say it with me–England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland) is holding a general election on the 7th of May, and I have absolutely no idea who I should vote for.

In theory, the UK has a multi-party system. In practice, we have a three-party system. And in reality, we have a two-party system, with the right-wing Conservative Party and left-wing Labor Party passing power back-and-forth over the years the way the Republicans and Democrats do in the US.

That third party, the Liberal Democrats (a radically-centrist group) traditionally weren’t very important, usually serving only to siphon votes from the other parties (and make my mum laugh when their pamphlets fell through our letterbox). Last election, though, resulted in no one party having a majority, and the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats forming a coalition government. It hasn’t gone well.

What are my options this time? I can choose from: the people who want to cut the deficit/stop spending any money on vital services; the people who supported a possible war criminal; the people who betrayed their ideals to get a tiny bit of power by joining with the Conservatives but then failed to pass the electoral reform we desperately need; or the people who are racists.

I’ve never voted before (I’ve always been out of the country and too lazy to set up postal voting), and I feel like I should be excited at the prospect of exercising my right as a citizen, but I have no hope of any real change or progress. (Could that be somehow related to the fact that majority politics will always lead to mundane governance because the only truly impactful ideas are extremist ones?)

I think the best option for me is to avoid having to make a choice at all by staying up late the night before the polls open and subsequently sleeping through the whole day. After all, I won’t need to get up to bug Rusty, as I’ve been doing all this month. Yes, this is my last Intern Tab, and I’d like to end this depressing entry by thanking Mr. Foster for the opportunity and guidance, Atavist and Somewhere for the support/cash, and you, our readers, for sending daily @replies to my Twitter praising me for my excellent writing and shining intelligence.

Oh, wait–nobody’s been doing that. It’s no wonder I’m bloody leaving, then.

THANK YOU Avery! You’ve been a great intern and a lot of people told me how much they liked you, I just can’t recall specifically who exactly at this precise moment.

Today’s Toy: How old do you look to a robot?


Today’s Song: Titus Andronicus just announced a 93 minute, 28 song rock opera coming in July and released a new song from it, “Dimed Out

~I only like it when it’s tabbed out~

Today in Tabs is just trying to stay ahead of the flood today. Thanks to Fast Company and email. Happy Email Debt Forgiveness Day!

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