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Today in Tabs: Sorry, We’re Sorry

Turn around. Go home. No, wait, stay and read instead!

Today in Tabs: Sorry, We’re Sorry
[Nicki Minaj, Turtle, Baby Fox: via Shutterstock]

America rioted again (slash still), this time in Baltimore. Baltimorean Ta-Nehisi Coates observed that “When nonviolence is preached by the representatives of the state, while the state doles out heaps of violence to its citizens, it reveals itself to be a con.” But what does well-known Baltimore native and crusader for justice, David Simon, have to say to the protesters? “Turn around. Go home..” Oh, ok.

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Things were much calmer last night. Oh, wait hold on, no that’s white people getting day-drunk at the Maryland Hunt Cup. Ok here’s the rioting I was looking for… no, looks like that’s white people rioting over sports. Lol those high-spirited sports fans! Here it is: the coverage about how those high school thugs got… um, trapped by police in riot gear at Mondawmin Mall, where they normally change buses after school. Well look, I’m sure it’s all about biased media coverage somehow! I mean it’s not like Baltimore’s Heroes would just straight-up black-bag someone in full view of CNN cameras, like this was Fallujah.

The Baltimore Orioles will play the Chicago White Sox in an empty Camden Yards today. When asked about the prospect of playing Major League Baseball’s first ever spectatorless game, one Orioles player said:

PLAYER (lost): There we are–demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing balls and strikes, swinging at pitches with wooden bats, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance–and every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air. We ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened.

Atta boy! Making the best of a tough situation is America’s real pastime. We haven’t heard from the Take Tree in a while, but it wanted to chime in on this baseball thing:


“I am only made of wood and sap,” said the tree.
“But even I’m not this stupid.”

So #Long, And Thanks For All the #Reads: Greg Howard tells the tale of Jason Whitlock and his pre-failed “Black Grantland,” The Undefeated. Every moment is amazing, but get all the way to the conclusion, whatever you have to do.

In Boston Magazine, Zachary Jason finally wrote the story of Gamergate as it actually was, and is: an online hate mob enacting the misogynist revenge planned by one obsessed stalker. Gamergate responded by finding a woman to harass.

Knausgaard on pooping (again). Haley Mlotek on Knausgaard on needing to masturbate.

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William Finnegan wrote in the New Yorker about Peru’s “artisanal” (illegal, dangerous) high-altitude gold mines.

And So Forth: Mfw Serious News Organization Buzzfeed partnered with 4chan to review the new LG phone, and scored a major Apple Watch CYOA slashfic scoop. POUND TECH. Dumpster-runoff bottler Bud Light got in trouble for getting a little too close to truth in marketing. Idk about the protest but who thought “#PEN15” was a good hashtag? Sorry, We’re Sorry. Kits or GTFO. Got a startup? Leave a startup. Need a startup? Take a startup. Today in Gingers: Will the internet just fix itself? (No.) Has anyone ever thought of trying to do what Uber is doing? (Yes, public transit.) Rembert Browne analyzes the deep #SQUAD dynamics of Nicki Minaj’s bar mitzvah appearance. You may not think you’re interested in that but you are. Trust me.

Avery Edison is taking advantage of her last couple days as intern to phone it in:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by AVERY EDISON

My internship ends on Thursday, which means that soon Rusty won’t be able to fire me for breaking Tabs protocol. So today I’m just gonna recommend a couple of new podcasts that I’ve been enjoying.

First up is Griffin and David Present The Phantom Podcast, in which hosts Griffin Newman and David Sims repeatedly review and dissect Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace. As well as being brutally hilarious, Griffin and David have the media expertise to lay out fascinating and new criticisms of the film. I’m no Star Wars superfan (having only ever seen Episode 1 once), but I’m never lost or bored when listening.

If reviewing the same movie over and over is high-concept, then Hello from the Magic Tavern’s hook is penthouse-level. Ostensibly a weekly dispatch from a regular guy (played by Arnie Niekamp) who’s trapped in a Narnia-like magical realm, the show is a wonderful playground for some of Chicago’s best improvisers to play with unusual characters and ideas. There’s already a solid mythology being built, but with only eight episodes released, there’s not much you need to listen to before you’ll be caught-up.

Thanks Avery, I’m sure that wasn’t written well in advance while you’re off doing something else!

Today’s Song: DVS finally released his mixtape, DVTV. Stream it here.

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~They are two sides of the same tab, or, let us say, being as there are so many of us, the same side of two tabs.~

Correction: Monday’s Tabs incorrectly linked Matt Haughey’s Apple Watch review, which is here.

Acknowledgments: The Take Tree art, as always, is by Alison Headley. The line “Kits or GTFO” is by Jessie “Get Rich Or” Guy-Ryan. The nickname “Get Rich Or” is also by Jessie G.R.O. Guy-Ryan.

Excuses: Today in Tabs is an error perpetuated in part by Fast Company and enabled by email. We’re all terribly sorry.

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