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Today In Tabs: Can’t Win For Loss-Leading

Raekwon’s got money. And you could, too, if you become America’s Next Top Tabs Intern.

Today In Tabs: Can’t Win For Loss-Leading
[Photos: Flickr users Brian Gratwicke, Steve Jurvetson, JD Hancock]

This morning, my daily ThinkUp email reminded me that exactly two years ago, my top post on Facebook was about Amanda “Fucking” Palmer’s Vogon poetry:

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Two years later Palmer is still regrettably present, this time explaining to Forbes that her $1.2 million Kickstarter was a “loss leader” meant to simultaneously trick people into supporting her on Patreon and make them “trust the shit out of” her:

AFP: …I pretty much broke even on that Kickstarter. I did it almost deliberately because I wanted my fans to trust the shit out of me and they do.

ZOG: I didn’t realize that.

AFP: Not to mention, it adds insult to injury when I still get clueless people who understand nothing about business coming to me and asking what I did with my million dollars.

Not addressed: what she did with her million dollars. Fans, it looks like a lot more trust is going to be needed before all the shit is out of Amanda Palmer.

Vicious trash-monster Gurbaksh Chahal is being sued at his new company, despite a sincere attempt to found it on a firm basis of contempt and loathing for all female humans. The lawsuit basically alleges that Gurbaksh Chahal is a vicious trash-monster, but in legal terms. “Chahal’s employees” “wrote” a blog post defending Chahal and “definitely not being Chahal writing it himself.” It is the least convincing piece of sock-puppetry ever, and worth a read just to see how much of an idiot you can be, as a man, and still succeed repeatedly in tech.

Today in Them: They redesigned The Atlantic, if you’re a homepage enthusiast. They found Kermit IRL. They’re making that terrible Full House reboot, but keeping the unoriginal TV quality scales balanced by making a Galaxy Quest TV series too. They’re changing the Facebook newsfeed algorithm again. They’re talking (on their Night iPhone) about selling forgotten social network Path to a South Korean messaging app. They proved there’s no link between the MMR vaccine and autism AGAIN. They’re getting kinda thirsty.

Felix Salmon filed another dispatch from his “discouraging journalists” beat. If you want to work with Droopy Dog, Fusion’s hiring, yo! Think about it! Every day you could come into work and have Felix be like “why haven’t you quit yet. There’s no future for you here.”

Jay Z’s streaming-music-for-rich-people service Tidal is such a failure that it’s driving a revival of interest in its competitors. It is literally anti-successful. It’s like a success-ray, pointed outward. The CEO and about 25 others were fired a few days ago, to maintain Tidal’s target 1:1 employee-to-customer ratio.

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It’s hard to contemplate, but we’re nearing the end of April, which somehow will contain five full weeks of Tabs. I only have about a week left with Intern Avery Edison, who has been an absolute pleasure and privilege to work with. I recommend all editors email her immediately and beg her to write for you.

But she will have to move on, and we will have to find a May intern! So I’m officially opening applications now. TO APPLY: Send me an email containing two sample Tabs, one that introduces you, and one that is something you would write if you were the intern. They should be like 150-300 words-ish and please don’t make me open an attachment or look at Google docs, just write them in the email. The internship is paid, $1600 for the month, welcoming to humans of any kind, and I will take applications until let’s say this Sunday the 26th.

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by AVERY EDISON

The Daily Mail—which is nominally a newspaper, but functionally a manifestation of the collective id of post-war Britons who heard air-raid sirens while in the womb and then never learned that the bombing had stopped—has a funny habit of being coy when reporting on Kristen Stewart and her (we presume) girlfriend.

It’s fun to imagine that a major British newspaper doesn’t have anybody on staff who could point out what lesbians and bisexuals are. But what’s actually happening is that the Daily Mail is terrified of the United Kingdom’s strict libel laws.

We’re still not culturally evolved enough that someone can come out (or be outed) without risking damage to their career, so it’s often considered defamation to say something as simple as “Kristen Stewart is gay“.

Is this a form of censorship? Sure. But the other option seems to be publicly examining every single moment of an individual’s life for clues about their gender identity, which seems bad, too. Maybe we should just kill news media (just kidding, it’s already dead lol).

Jetta Rae, a writer at Ravishly argues that we shouldn’t put queer identities onto stars who haven’t yet come out, which is something I’d like to be able to stop myself from doing, but also I’m really proud that the chick from Twilight is on my team, you know?

In conclusion, sexuality is a land of contrasts.

Little known fact: “Land of Sexuality and Contrasts” was almost the New Mexico state motto, but they went with “Land of Enchantment” instead. Now you know what that’s code for.

Today in Yesterday: For no particular reason, but have you read (or re-read) this Awl feature about Adventure Time by Maria Bustillos lately? You should.

Today’s Song: Raekwon feat. A$AP Rocky, “I Got Money

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~Only the tab eternal / In an eternal night.~

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