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Today in Tabs: The Good News Is the Bad News

Why did The Babysitters look different on all the covers?

Today in Tabs: The Good News Is the Bad News
[Screenshots: via SpaceX]

So the future is kind of a good news / bad news situation, except the good news is also the bad news. We might one day be able to live forever, but Maria Bustillos echoes Modest Mouse and Werner Herzog the Plastic Bag in saying “oh hell no” to that. Imagine the prospect of Takes forever, with no hope of death? We might soon develop real robots! But they will be weaponized and designed to kill you, according to Motherboard. Our self-driving cars will probably be far safer, but they’ll also be trivially hackable. Satire, art and techbro douchebaggery will merge into a single giant garbage vortex that will be as ubiquitous as it is exhausting. We will be able to land rockets on drone ships, but rocket-landing-related jobs will be the only jobs left. Wired writer Rhett Allain is only slightly ahead of the curve in openly applying for a job at the end of this tab about the SpaceX Falcon-9 near-landing. English xenophobes UKIP will be the majority party, but only because of their groundbreaking new slogan “My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear. Vote UKIP!. “Can we not?” you might ask? But no, I’m afraid the answer is we cannot not. We must can. And we shall.

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New York Times food critic Pete Wells touched off an unexpected… well if not firestorm at least sparkler of controversy with his bacon egg and cheese Take. Taylor Berman had opinions on it at Gawker, Matt Buchanan actually took the time to define what is and is not a good BEC (I strongly disagree with him about the english muffin, but that’s for another time), and Jia covered the Data Journalism angle with a quiz to determine whether fancy or regular is the best BEC. Spoiler: regular. I mean come on, you knew that right?

Time’s “100 Most Influential People” is bizarre. Was it always like this? Ewan McGregor blurbed Sarah Koenig, apparently in the bath? And Michael Caine’s encomium of Christopher Nolan is short enough to read the whole thing in your Michael Caine Voice. Time Magazine itself is one of the case studies in Adrienne LaFrance and Robinson Meyer’s long media-history tab which they cleverly wrapped in a Buzzfeed frame-narative so it feels #relevant. Pareene expanded on yesterday’s tweets about what’s going on with POLITICO. And Gawker editorial is trying to unionize! Good for them! I think that’s great and I hope they succeed.

More like Broachella, right? The Golden Ratio is nonsense. Chait thinks he’s being satirical, I assume? But this is indistinguishable from right-wing conspiracy theory. You can’t satirize a thing by just doing that thing without really meaning it. See also: “satirical” racism.

But who cares about any of this? There’s a new Star Wars trailer!

While I watch that, here’s Avery:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by AVERY EDISON

Night. A young woman is tossing and turning in bed. She jerks awake, and fumbles on the nightstand for a can, that iconic red aluminum can, and raises it to her lips. She chugs half of it, she sets it back down, goes back to sleep. Her sleep is calm.

“It’s the commercial Coca-Cola wishes they could air,” my friend Laura told me, the morning after seeing that exact scenario play out with me in the lead role. “You’re so addicted to coke that you need it to sleep. That’s messed-up.”

The concern is nice, but misguided. I’m fiiiine. If anything, I’m a hero for being the one person in the world who doesn’t pretend coffee tastes good. I get my caffeine the right way: with a truckload of sugar.

One guy who agrees with me is John Nese, subject of this delightful 2009 video about his obsession with sodas (or, as we call them in the UK, “fizzy drinks”). I was reminded of it by Kottke’s recent linking of The Ingenious Design of the Aluminum Beverage Can, which was fascinating, even for a glass bottle partisan like myself.

Oh, and Coca-Cola? I’m totally willing to sell you that commercial idea. Call me.

Ugh. I hate soda.

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Today’s Song: People seem excited about DVTV? Here’s DVS’s “A Very Special Episode

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