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Today in Tabs: Gawkzilla va. Buzzra

The Battle for Takes

Today in Tabs: Gawkzilla va. Buzzra
[Photos: Flickr users megan ann, Sebastian Dooris]

A large meteor hurtles towards earth, lands in the ocean and awakens Gawker. One particularly opinionated Buzzfeed post about Dove soap ads is deleted “because it is not consistent with the tone of BuzzFeed Life.” The next day, two young women named Peggy & Emily wrote a memo after stealing an ancient artifact. Later, Ben Smith, a representative of the Japanese Prime Minister, calls the post a “Hot Take,” and Slate editor Jeremy Stahl offers him to explore the Buzzfeed editorial standards with Masako and Marutomo company secretary, Alex Pareene. Smith initially turns down the offer, on the basis that lol w/e. But after Gawker’s J.K. Trotter informs him that another awkwardly deleted post has been found, he accepts. After the trio arrives at the editorial standards, they find a cave behind a waterfall. Inside, they discover ancient paintings, including a picture of two giant insects having “an ongoing conversation” about “the place of personal opinions on the site.” While studying them, the sun shines through a hole in the wall, and the light reinstates the two deleted posts, which merge to form a giant Hot Take. The three hear a pair of voices, which belong to Julia Turner and Jia Tolentino. They keep the earth’s natural order in balance, and informs them the Take is not a bad thing and also this is really more of an “Idea” than a “Hot Take”.

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In Pacific Standard, Tomas Rios told of an ancient, backward civilization that tried to control sportswriting’s climate. In return, the media created the Hot Take. But the Hot Take became uncontrollable, and started to harm the very media that created it, explains Elspeth Reeve. Ricardo Bilton retired to Infant Island, and the Hot Take continues to rule the land. But for how long…?1

In Matter, Jade E. Davis writes that “Black Men Being Killed is the New Girls Gone Wild,” and she’s right. So you don’t have to watch this weekend’s fresh horror, the video of Eric Harris being murdered after he is already on the ground with a police officer kneeling on his head. But you should be aware that the murderer in this case was not even a real police officer, but a 71 year old “reserve deputy” who pays money to play cop. At this point, when we find the police department that hunts black men for sport I will not be surprised. Meanwhile this sea lion was apprehended without incident. Disarm the police.

The Chris Vernon Show Day 1 Masters Update takes 1:30 to get good but then it bumps. Turn Down for A Thousand Miles. I don’t want to see the phrase “controls a swarm of robot spiders” anywhere ever again please. Tidal is, unsurprisingly, garbage according to Sam Biddle. Advice column dilemma unusual. President Obama: Free this fruit!

Drake was early for his Coachella set, perhaps to prepare for his ritual implantation of Madonna eggs. So you have Madonna’s spawn embedded deep within your viscera–what do you do now? Let Me Drake That For You (and bonus LMDTFY backstory).

The story, in The Butter, of what Liz Prato found when her dad died is long and devastating but very good. And if you still need something read, Metafilter’s JHarris collected links to what appears to be everything the Brunching Shuttlecocks’s legendary co-founder and one of my personal comedic heroes Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg ever wrote.

Avery! What’s going on in the moldy old soul of the United Kingdom this fine spring Monday?

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TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by AVERY EDISON

Why do I still care about Harry Potter? Why did I insist on my non-fan girlfriend watching all the movies with me last year? Why did I recently devour a 650,000-word HP fanfic? Why did I get so incensed when @Sortingbot declared me a Hufflepuff?

(Wait, scrap that last question. We know why.)

Just kidding, Hufflepuffs–you’re golden in my book, despite what Mitchell and Webb have to say about you.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series, was published shortly after I turned 19. It should’ve been an opportunity for me to grow up and leave behind such childish things. And yet, there’s still something in me that perks up if I hear someone talking about Horcruxes; there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to make fun of the people who play “real life” Quidditch; there’s still a chunk of me that remembers the moment I realized I’d rather be Hermione than Harry like it was yesterday.

This morning, Metafilter directed me to this short, beautiful “what-if?” Aunt Petunia fanfic. I didn’t hesitate to read it, and it’s only in hindsight that I ask why I even care.

I guess that question doesn’t really matter. But I’ll keep asking it, like a good Ravenclaw.

Look, did I read all the Harry Potter books? Yes I did. Possibly more than once. Or more than four times. Each. Have I been officially sorted? Yes I have, and it will surprise no one to learn that I am a proud Slytherin. But I think Avery and I, and all of us, can still come together and agree that people who play Quidditch IRL are huge nerds.

Today’s Tumblr: We Put a Chip In It!

Today’s Song: Brand new Brand New: “Mene

~If I could fall into the sky, do you think tabs would pass me by?~

At this point, Today in Tabs shows up and Fast Company decides that Tinyletter is a more important target, and attacks him instead. @RustyK5 soon defeats @TodayinTabs.

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1. Today’s report on Gawkzilla vs. Buzzra is courtesy of Wikipedia’s “Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)” entry. Text is available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.

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