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Today in Tabs: Second-Day Takes On The Apple Watch

Today’s are the greatest Takes we’ve ever known. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s…

Today in Tabs: Second-Day Takes On The Apple Watch
[Photos: Flickr user David Shankbone, Houang Stephane, Wikimedia Commons]

The second day of the Take Cycle is usually my favorite. I sometimes ignore a whole first day’s worth of takes because the second day’s are always better (slash worse). So I’m glad we cleared the decks of serious and “meaningful” Apple watch reviews yesterday and can enjoy today’s second day takes purely for their entertainment value.

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Professional Apple fan and Die Hard villain John Gruber, who, if you’re not familiar with his work, specializes in writing ridiculous things in a tone of complete self-seriousness, wrote an Apple watch review that would seem like a satire of Apple fandom if it wasn’t just what he always does. On the opposite end of the spectrum, The Awl’s John Herrman specializes in saying surprising true things in a tone of humorous frivolity, and in keeping with his recent scatological theorizing of our modern hellworld, yesterday he published his “Asshole Theory of Technology,” which is both depressing and viscerally correct.

Today in Apple watch review reviews: the Daily Dot’s Taylor Hatmaker brings us a William Faulkner or Apple Watch review quiz, and Jason O. Gilbert wrote an impressively creepy horror story composed entirely of Apple watch review lines. And that’s it! We’ll never have to hear about this dumb watch again.

If we needed any confirmation that the golden age of the Tab is truly over, here it is: Elizabeth Wurtzel is publishing a book with Thought Catalog, and no one really even cares. Here she is talking to Jia for Jezebel and I’m just like “eh, ok.” Which isn’t to say there aren’t still tabs of course! Michael Wolff, for example, volunteered to be the one to blame the concept of rape culture for the Rolling Stone fiasco, finding his natural home as “some jackass” in the predictions that “some jackass will use this to dismiss rape culture entirely.” And we have Mindy Kaling’s brother’s tortured effort to blame affirmative action for his being rejected by 19 out of the 20 med schools he applied to under false pretenses. Nah I take it back, the Tabs are only just beginning.

Thursday Movie Break! Watch the sci-fi short “Sundays and enjoy the visuals but try not to focus too much on the bargain-bin Philip K. Dick “what if reality isn’t real!” stuff.

Intern Avery has something light for us because we haven’t gotten word of today’s police murder yet!

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by AVERY EDISON

Three short conversations between myself and my girlfriend, Romy.

A year ago.
Her: I bought a new album, it’s in our iTunes.
Me: Uh… This Courtney Barnett one? Who’s that?
Her: She’s Australian–
Me: Ugh, we get it you lived in Australia!
Her: Oh, hooray–I always love this joke(.)

Two months ago.
Me: Did you get the link I emailed you? It’s a music video by this singer I think you’ll like.
Her: No, I didn’t see it. Who is he?
Me: Wow, nice assumption, sexist.
Her: Ugh.
Me: She’s this Australian chick–
Her: Is it Courtney Barnett?
Me: How did you guess?
Her: I told you about her a year ago.
Me: I don’t think so. Anyway, she’s really good!
Her: I know.

Yesterday.
Me: Check it out, Rolling Stone did a great profile of Courtney Barnett.
Her: You don’t get to say that name to me anymore.
Me: I don’t… I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her before?
Her: Are you shitting me right now?
Me: Anyways, it’s an interesting article. You should check it out.
Her: Oh, go shove it up your Tabs.

In my family this conversation generally starts with “I had a great idea!” and then proceeds with my verbatim repetition of an idea my wife told me three days ago.

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Tabs to Read: The NYT Magazine profile of Toni Morrison is not to be missed under any circumstances. It’s in a somewhat different register but Kevin Fanning on his love affair with Spanx is also great. Greg Howard’s “The Police are America’s Terrorists is good, as is Steve Rousseau on his invisible girlfriend. And if you still need something to read, Oyster made a list of the 100 best books of the last five years. That ought to hold you over till Monday!

Today’s Songs: Birdlaw’s Yakety Sax / Jermaine Dupri Ft. Jay-Z mashup “Benny Ain’t a Thing” (via Reply All)

And another in what has proven to be a surprisingly productive mashup relationship, YITT’s Carly Rae Japsen vs Nine Inch NailsI Really Like a Hole

~With the tab down screamin’ out money ain’t a thang~

Keep an eye out tomorrow for the Today in Tabs Friday Quiz, on Fast Company. Subscribe by email. Eat what you like. Be happy. Whatever.

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