In a relatively short amount of time–the show only debuted in 2011–the Iron Throne from Game Of Thrones has become as iconic as anything else in nerd-dom. The symbolic and literal seat of power has managed to reach Batmobile or Imperial Stormtrooper levels of ubiquity, driven in no small part by the powerful visual and seeming contradictions inherent in it (why does the most powerful person in Westeros have to sit in such an uncomfortable-looking chair?).
The price to sit upon the Iron Throne in the world of Westeros is a high one, which perhaps makes posing with Iron Throne mockups in a world in which one can receive that opportunity simply by building one out of whatever long, skinny objects they happen to possess in abundance so appealing. All it takes to sit in the Iron Throne in our world is creativity, money, or both–not exactly the iron price. So let’s take a look at some of the thrones people have wrought.
The Fireworks Throne
Like the actual Iron Throne, this one could probably technically kill you, so it’s got that going for it. U.K. fireworks shop Epic Fireworks built this monstrosity in 2013 to honor their favorite show, with enough firepower there that it could probably do some damage if you sat an opponent on it and then lit a fuse. We’d recommend against that sort of activity, as surely would the proprietors of any responsible fireworks shop, but wanted to throw that out there in the spirit of the show.
The Dildo Throne
Also in the spirit of a show whose political intrigue and high-fantasy setting have, at times, been overshadowed by more bush and gore than the 2000 Presidential Election? A throne made of dildos, naturally. There’s a lot of sex on Game Of Thrones, which has almost made the multiple porn parodies called “Game Of Bones” kinda redundant. Still: the Game Of Bones from U.K. sex shop Bondara did feature this 200-dildo masterpiece (which the company made available to win via contest, if you’re prone to very open-minded houseguests), which proves that “all you need is a bunch of long, skinny objects” theory we mentioned earlier.
The Golf Club Throne
Speaking of “long, skinny objects,” here is an Iron Throne made entirely out of golf clubs. Somehow, this one is probably more embarrassing to have in your home than the one made out of dildos (eww, golf). Like the dildos and fireworks, a British company is responsible for the 9-Iron Throne (that’s a golf thing, right?), which they say was built from more than 320 clubs. On their blog, as they explained how the throne was assembled, they also answered the burning question of “why would someone do this” with surprising candor: “The need to find a way of utilising the significant quantity of old golf clubs in our warehouse,” they admitted. What else are you gonna do with all those extra clubs?
The Carrot Throne
Curiously, despite the fact that carrots are already shaped perfectly to build a custom Iron Throne out of them as they are, the creator of the Carrot Throne opted to use a vegetable peeler to shred his carrots into strips before beginning construction. Ostensibly created for his pet rabbit–proving that sometimes pet owners can be crazier than fireworks stand owners and sex toy makers–the owner of the throne admitted that he didn’t even feed his handiwork to the bunny: Instead, he said on Reddit, “I ate most of it.” That’s downright Joffrey-like.
The Pedicab Throne
Some custom thrones don’t require an abundance of creativity–just some money. HBO busts out the pedicab thrones in time for events timed to the new seasons of the show, or with a high proportion of throne-watchers (or both): SXSW, Comic-Con, etc. The pedicab thrones, according to the drivers, add an extra 80 pounds or so to the bike, but the extra weight is probably mitigated by all the nerds who opt for a ride just so they can selfie themselves getting pulled up a hill upon the throne, a truly regal amount of decadence.
The Porcelain Throne
Not every Iron Throne is tactile, either. In fact, we’d probably leave this one out, except we like toilet humor and this is very much that. It’s kind of hard to imagine who exactly wants a decal to stick in the bathroom so it looks like they’re pooping on the Iron Throne, but there are nine reviews in the Etsy shop, so clearly there are almost a dozen people in the world who thought this was a good idea.
The Iron Heel
You can’t sit in this one, but British shoe designer Nixxi Rose’s Iron Heel (no relation to Jack London’s dystopian novel–one tie-in at a time, please) is somehow both awesome and almost as porny as the Dildo Throne. (Seriously, that’s quite a heel.) The Iron Heel features a number of cocktail swords, molded along a high-heeled shoe, and painted a Westerosian shade of iron grey. Pair it with this Iron Throne-inspired hairpiece, and you can be the most intimidating lady at your prom/wedding/whatever.
The Iron Throne
So, this one is all about money and not even a little bit about creativity–unless you’re talking the creativity of finding a way to justify to anyone in your life why you spent $30,000 on an official HBO-sanctioned Iron Throne from the network’s website–but it’d be weird to note all of the various Iron Thrones you can have in your home and not mention that HBO literally sells them on its website for the price of a low-end BMW. At the very least, when watching season five–which premieres Sunday, April 12–in your own official throne, you can be relieved that you’re significantly less likely to find yourself poisoned for your chair than anyone who might occupy it in Westeros.