Here’s a (non-Trevor Noah) note to Comedy Central execs: Whoever’s next on the roasting block, just let Martha Stewart handle the whole damn ceremony.
Last night during the highly anticipated Justin Bieber roast, Stewart was dishing out third-degree burns, like a wise-cracking sun baking in the oven (that is: very hot.) And, ironically, Bieber didn’t even bear the worst of it.
The jokes sting bad enough on their own, but the twist of the knife comes in Stewart’s haughty, crisp, delivery that could make a person feel less-than even if she was just reading a receipt.
Here are some of her greatest roasts–nay incinerations–from last night:
“As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now, and he deserves it. He struggled for years. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that–it’s not African-American rich…it’ll come to me.”
“I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”
“You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.”
“I do a lot of gardening but you are without a doubt the dirtiest, used-up hoe I have ever seen.”
“All night I’ve been trying to remember who you remind me of. Then it hit me: You look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.”
“When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass. So I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. And Shaq, I hope your mom still doesn’t hold a grudge.”