Today in Tabs: The Constine Gardener

Awards season is truly the most special time of year. For tabs.

Today in Tabs: The Constine Gardener
[Photos: Fickr users Aaron Muszalski, Mark Morgan, screenshots: via Vox]

It’s that time of year again, when self-satisfied jerks get up on stage and give each other awards just for doing their jobs. That’s right: The Crunchies happened last week, and they were a triumph if you enjoy tech douchebags being ashamed of themselves. “No one takes them seriously!” goes the standard excuse, but when Uber, a company currently valued at $40 billion, wins best startup it’s hard to even know what a “startup” is anymore. Anil Dash has observed thatindustry awards… attempt to reinforce the power of the institution giving the award,” which, in the case of the Crunchies, means this guy:


The one on the left. No, behind the hair. Yeah that guy.

Twitter’s Katie Jacobs Stanton left early and won’t be back. Nitasha Tiku points out that it’s convenient to blame host T.J. Miller instead of the garbage industry he was trying to mock. And Re/Code’s Nellie Bowles got a perfect kicker quote from Stewart Butterfield: “Everyone here must know that everyone is making too much money… If anyone is honest with themselves, they must think that the reward is disproportionate to the work.

So Buzzfeed was like “hey we’re interviewing the damn President next week” and everyone was all “whoa if true” and then Vox was like “oh we did that last month, here’s part one and part two and the videos” and Zach Galifianakis was just like “lol.”

Charles Manson’s fiancée was supposedly only interested in his corpse, which I guess I’m kind of ok with? Imagine “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living” except instead of a shark it’s the corpse of Charles Manson? Janet Jay put the “mother” back in Motherboard. Jeff Veen made it about dot me. Kurt Anderson says the 90s were the best decade which like: ugh, but also that is objectively true.


Vox’s Emmett Rensin hung out with an MRA for what was (spoiler alert:) frankly too much time. But Adam Serwer and Katie J.M. Baker dug into “MRA Gloria Steinem” Paul Elam’s past and discovered an astonishing surprise! Turns out he’s a deadbeat and an abuser who gave up his kids not once but twice! What a surprise. Also “male” backward apparently is his real name? Anyway, actually-good-#longread alert on this one.

Intern: “I wrote a poem about The Grammys but you were probably going to write about those already.”

Me: “the Whattys?”


T’was the night of the Grammys when all through the house,

Came a man so bold, we forgot about his spouse.
Awards came for music, though no one quite cared
That Ariana and Big Sean somehow were paired.

The night came up big for young Mr. Sam Smith
Who took home four trophies and could have carried a fifth.
Neo soul’s what they called it – guess he’s the new Adele
When white folks sing black music, that’s fresh as hell.
Still, no disrespect to Sam on his big night
Because “Reminds Me of You”? That track is tight.

Prince came out for his annual standing ovation
And threw some shade at the night’s situation:
“Like books and black lives,” he said, “albums still matter
It seems people care more about losing the latter.

Beyonce took home gold and posed with pride.
Though if you read Buzzfeed, it might sound like she died?
(They may want to update their house-style guide:
“’literally’ is to be carefully applied.”)
The best part of the night was when Beyhive chief
K. West stood up to Beck, noted music thief.

These awards shows must be Halloween for ‘Ye
He gets to dress up like a fashionable stray,

He likely eats all the candy he can take,
As we try to count all the headlines he makes.

I’ll confess it now, I don’t really know who Beck is
But the dude seems chill; that trophy is his
Kanye may do a lot of things very wrong,

But he did right with Ri-Ri on that new song.
Just one thing then I’ll let Rusty neg my poem:
Pretty sure they turned off Sir Paul’s microphone.

(This is getting pretty long so thanks for your patience,
I just had no rhymes for corporate malfeasance.)

The best part of this is she doesn’t know who Beck is and I don’t really know who Big Sean and Ariana are. Some quality intergenerational confusion here.

Instead of a song of the day, here are three full albums!

B. Dolan’s “House of Bees, vol 3” came out January 30th.


These are older but I slept on them: Neil Cicierega’s mash-up albums “Mouth Sounds” and “Mouth Silence” It’s hard to pick one song but try this for starters.

~Fed to the tabs and I hit the ground running~


You can read Today in Tabs on Fast Company or subscribe by email. It’s written on Hoth. If I freeze to death on the way home, it’s been too real.