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Today in Tabs: When Will They Invent a Vaccine for Tabs?

Plus: Marshawn truthers, marching on.

Today in Tabs: When Will They Invent a Vaccine for Tabs?
[Photos: Flickr users Melissa Wiese and Gage Skidmore]

Hello from the frozen blizzard-plagued reverse-hellscape that is New England. All of New England theoretically won the Superb Owl last night, but let’s be honest, it’s really Boston’s football team, and Boston is a garbage city, so I’m not feeling too much satisfaction in that. Also it has made people from Seattle really sad, and Seattleites are so adorable, it’s hard to see them hurting like this. There are of course already Marshawn truthers, because no event can happen anymore without spawning a conspiracy theory, like the “many worlds” interpretation of quantum mechanics, except it’s “many credulous idiots.”

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Speaking of credulous idiots, anti-vaxxers (or as I call them, “literal baby-killers“) are back in the news, having made some real progress recently in their long-term goal of saving critically endangered childhood diseases like measles and whooping cough. Roald Dahl, though we may differ about Hitler, did write a pro-vaccine letter back in 1988 that’s been making the rounds again for obvious reasons, much like measles itself! Probable 2016 Presidential candidate and giant idiot blowhard Chris Christie came out strongly in favor of not picking a side between people who want to spread deadly childhood diseases and people who do not, and Rand Paul thinks vaccines should be “voluntary”, because there is no question Rand Paul will choose not to be on the wrong side of. Obama, well, do you even need to ask where he stands on this? No, you don’t.

In other idiot news, idiot Dan Lyons declares Shanleysurprisingly intelligent” but speculates that her whole existence might be a hoax, because he can only conceive of people fighting for basic respect as “a new form of entertainment, made possible by Twitter.” Dan Lyons is Joel Johnson’s last, greatest troll, but surely it’s gone on long enough. Fire this fool.

Uber is gonna have a hard time explaining away these emails. Snapchat launched a “Girls West” series called Literally Can’t Even, and it’s ugh pretty cleverly edited and ugh ugh probably the leading edge of a real thing, but I would like to opt out of this inevitable future please. Ijeoma Oluo singlehandedly justified the existence of crappy Costner race movie Black or White with this great review. Krugman believes he hasdeveloped a fairly imposing social media presence,” and since his Twitter is literally vacant of human activity I guess he means “imposing” like brutalist architecture? The first chapter of David Duchovny’s cow novel is on Vulture if you like David Duchovny. Or… cows. Chris Kyle is a drone, argues Aaron Bady in TNI. And introducing: Britaania Poppie.

I’m so pleased to introduce our first Second Today in Tabs Intern, Vicky Mochama. I thought we could use some diversity around here, so I found us a Canadian! (She’s very sorry for being Canadian btw.)

Welcome Vicky! Tell ’em who you are.

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by VICKY MOCHAMA

Is this where we meet for the Ten Minutes Outrage at a Poster of Mark Zuckerberg?

I’m Vicky. I was named after my great grandmother, who my mother describes as a ‘mean lady who did not like to share her food’. I am here on this aqueous little rock to build on that legacy. I am here in your e-mail because I like writing and it’s about time I threw some of that energy at new people rather than my family and friends.

I am also here because I stole the whole Tabs format. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then theft will get you paid, y’all. I quite like living in Canada (November through March notwithstanding), and I even write about it every week. Come for the thrilling Canadian content, stay for regular updates on Don Cherry. If you don’t know who Don Cherry is, you simply must. In a masterstroke of efficiency, we put all of America’s catchphrase-flinging sports personalities and conservative talk radio hosts into one man who shouts so you can hear him over his clothes. After healthcare and being smug to Americans about healthcare, Don Cherry is the greatest thing about Canada. When Tagg Romney becomes your president, tell people you’re moving to Canada to meet Don Cherry. 

Real tabs coming at you next time. Until then, in the words of interns everywhere: let me know if you need anything

Today’s Bots: Darius’s Weird Convo Bot, and @leonardr’s Ghostbusters Past

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Today’s Song: Jeremy Turnbull, “In the End, You’re an All Star” (Linkin Park vs Smash Mouth)

~Well, the tabs start coming and they don’t stop coming~

Today in Tabs had to shovel a path to our email to send this. Subscribing keeps me warm. Reading us on Fast Company is like throwing a log in the fireplace. We are off tomorrow, so see you Wednesday!

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