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Today in Tabs: A Fact Is The Sickest Burn

Take of the union address.

Today in Tabs: A Fact Is The Sickest Burn
[Garbage truck: Flickr user Salim Virji; Football, gloves, and flag: via Shutterstock]

Welcome to Today in Tabs, where every day I build a garbage coffin to survive the three hour ride to YOLO. What we needed crush-proofing from yesterday was the State of the Union address, which Alex Pareene perfectly describes as “an exercise in the proper arrangement of cliches and platitudes,” as is all American political speechwriting. When I run for President, the first thing I’m going to do is hire Pareene to write my speeches. We won’t win, but how fun would that be? And isn’t the presidential loser the real winner anyway? Meanwhile for now we have to accept Obama stating the fact that he won two elections as the sickest political burn of all time. Also: Ruth Bader Glovesburg.

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The Verge accidentally posted its Superb Owl ad early, and everyone went nuts because THE VERGE running a SUPERB OWL ad?! Right?! Like they’re a giant media company with a lot of money or something?! Cray cray. But it turned out that the whole thing was a hoax and the ad was only going to run in Helena, Montana for $700. The whole point was to leak it early and get a lot of free press. Too bad that didn’t work! (Except for Gruber lol.) Here’s the ad, anyway. It’s pretty good.

Read This: There is no one better on this earth at writing about technology than Paul Ford, so his post about how Paper Magazine’s web contractors at 29th Street scaled the site to survive Kim Kardashian’s nudes is such a treat. (All of his disclosures apply to me too, but, like, more so.) Read it, you will learn something true about the internet. Also I just did that whole graf without making a “back-end” joke! You wanted it to be one way, but it was the other way.

Today in Etc: Mallory on Black Mirror: “what if phones, but too much” Will there be an X-Files reboot? If so please hire Darin Morgan to write all of it. Hipsterrunnoff is for sale please DM me if you want to fund Kate Losse’s and my purchase of it. Maybe The Knicks terrible season is just a chance for us to learn about math. Today in Dads, Japanese edition. 26-year-old retires. Who is Gerald? Bot arrested. Tweet bad.

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by YOU MAYBE!

This isn’t a real intern tab, sorry, it’s just an update on the new intern process. But you’re reading it anyway, right? So are a lot of other people! Do you want your #brand to be featured here, in Tabs, and to support young writers? Then email me about being an intern sponsor. The deal is: It’s just $800 for one full month, and you will be credited here every day for that month as something like “Intern Tab, sponsored by You,” and all of that fee goes to the intern, because the kids need to learn that they only make money if they can sell your garbage.

In other news: if this idea works, the Tabs internship will pay $800 a month! More on this: presently.

Today’s Movie: Someone recut The Hobbit trilogy into one 4 hour film, which is a great idea.

Today’s Song: The Mountain Goats, “The Legend of Chavo Guerrero

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~Yeah I used to be a tab but they never seemed to give a damn~

Today in Tabs was assembled backwards today, in that I wrote this footer first which as far as I can remember I have never done before. I did this because yesterday I felt really frazzled and burned out by the time I got down here to the footer and pretty much just wanted to quit Tabs forever. That might also have been because I was getting sick? Anyway sometimes it helps to change up the way you do things. Thanks for letting me keep it down here. Thanks also to Fast Company which brings you Tabs on the www, and Tinyletter where you can sign up for Tabs on the email.

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