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Today in Tabs: A Bad Day for Satire

Tragedy, the Take Tree’s latest branches, and a job opening.

Today in Tabs: A Bad Day for Satire
[Screenshot: via Youtube user The Hypermutable Future]

Yesterday we had Patton Oswalt berating “us liberals” for not genuflecting before the sacred duty of The Groucho (which he seems to think is some kind of Constitutional office?) to offend everyone possible. Then today, we wake up to the murder of twelve staffers at French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, apparently in retaliation for its history of publishing cartoons offensive to some Muslims. It’s easy for Jonathan Chait, a member of literally every privileged class of human being, to take an absolutist stance on free speech. But maybe there’s a way we, as a species, could somehow chart a course in between “cause maximum offense at all times” and “murder people for cartoons”?

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Also Bad News for Satire: I can’t tell if this Quartz post is satire or not. I followed up and Satan did seem to know a lot of inside goss about Comcast/TW. I also can’t tell if this LinkedIn thinkfluencer is joking. All else being equal I’d say he is? But since it’s on LinkedIn, I can’t tell for sure. One thing I know is a joke is Leon Wieseltier going to work at The Atlantic, and his whine disguised as a book review disguised as a C- freshman essay about, I don’t know, technology? Society? Scientism? Whatever it’s about, it is the most overwrought and over-wrote “They took away my toy!” that I’ve ever seen.

Today in Good News for Satire: Gawker’s been sucking as hard as it can, and has finally pulled back some good former staffers. Today they announced that ex-Racket Teen Alex Pareene has been re-hired as Deputy Editor for Pranks and Hijinks. Kirby Delauter sure got himself out of the spotlight. Plagiarizing from SocialismSucks.net is probably a net positive for a Republican Presidential candidate. Bill Gates finally ate shit, and someone is launching Take Magazine. The Take Tree could not be reached for comment by press time.

And in the best news of the day, our very own intern Bijan got himself a real grownup job as Associate Editor at The New Republic! He’ll be joining new hires Elle Reeve (another former Racket Teen), Senior Editor Jamil Smith, and new Poetry Editor Cathy Park Hong. You may or may not notice something about that list. Anyway I’m so proud of him, and wish him the best of luck helping to put out that 100 year old garbage fire.

Speaking of Bijan, here he is, our actual intern Bijan Stephen:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

Ohai! This is me, the real Tabs intern Bijan. I’m just sitting here on my chair, thinking about a party I just got back from, or was it a party I’m on my way to? It’s so hard to tell the difference when you’re as young as I am, and sweaters. Anyway there was weather and then as we said goodbye I thought yes I will be young forever. It was all so very.

Well that was… strange but also somehow familiar? Anyway definitely the real intern Bijan, no question.

Who really hacked Sony? Reload for an infinite number of true answers. Russell Crowe solved ageism in Hollywood but I hear he’s not even a real crow. Bye Phylicia. Haruki Murukami is joining T-Pain in the advice game. The answer is always “cats.” Today in really bad tech writing: “Or if an email is received in that moment, it could find its way in the wrong bit of the server.” I think Leon Wieseltier wrote this. The 2015 Tournament of Books begins, and the Belfie stick is invented. Tomorrow: Ragnarok!

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Today’s Disclaimer: No, Bijan probably won’t continue being the Tabs intern forever but I don’t have any definite plans yet so please don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Today’s Song: A$AP Rocky ft. Juicy J, “Multiply

~It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a tab.~

Today in Tabs broke 10,000 subscribers yesterday! I’m pretty excited about that. We are sponsored by Fast Company and would probably disappear tomorrow without TinyLetter. I inadvisably tweet @rustyk5 and build my #brand @TodayinTabs.

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