There are a few unwritten rules that wise people follow in their lives, of which “Never go with a hippie to a second location” may be the best known. “Never encourage a man with a beard” is another good one: What might start out innocently enough as a compliment to a friend’s five o’clock shadow will almost invariably spiral out of control into a thick, smelly nest that has swallowed his entire face.
It’s just not worth it. So next time you’re tempted to encourage a man to grow out his beard, maybe consider getting this surrogate for him instead: the 2015 Bearded Year Calendar, which will show the would-be beardos in your life exactly how long their chin wigs would grow if they stopped shaving on January 1.
The Bearded Year Calendar is like a Wooly Willy for your wall. It’s made up of two parts: a framed outline of a face, along with 12 transparent sheets, each of which is traced with another month’s worth of beard growth. As you replace the sheets over the course of the year, the Calendar will slowly grow its beard out from a few scruffy patches in January to the kind of lush, chest-long whiskerandoes that Canadian lumberjacks use like tree roots to suck up maple syrup.
Designed by Anna Marinenko, the Bearded Year Calendar can be purchased on Etsy as a series of consecutive prints for $39, or as a framed interactive overlay for $100. Next time you’re thinking of suggesting that an acquaintance start growing a forest on his face in which to cultivate six-month-old morsels of scrambled eggs and cookie crumbs—or even worse, mulling over growing one yourself—maybe just buy one of these instead?