Is Racket Teen real? People keep asking me this, and I have no idea. But I gave them Tabs to do today, so real or not here it is:
While the MSM (mom-stream media) only ever tells you about the Bad Teens, we at Racket Teen want to use this opportunity to tell you adults other side of the story.
Today in Hero Teens:
Abby Snodgrass, 17, saved a baby at a Wal*Mart, “using life-saving techniques she had learned recently in health class Hillsboro High School.”
James Bould, 16, and Raven Genson, 16, were recognized by Irish Water Safety for a “brave lake rescue” of a fellow teen.
Joe Chambers, 17, was sent to the Ellen Show to tell moms about how he rescued a stupid policeman from a car. “‘He was all disoriented, he didn’t know where he was,’ said Chambers. ‘I said “your car is on fire,” and he was, like, just staring at me.'” Grown-ups!
Hero Teen Novelist Jonathan Franzen wrote a whole book.
Racket Teen Honorary Teen Emily Gould wants us to leave Jonathan alone. (Gould has previously expressed sympathy for the not-actually-that-embattled author. More like Jonathan “Frozen,” in that Emily can’t “let it go!”)
This is our Racket Teen promise to you: We will never leave Jonathan Franzen alone. We will cyberbully him on Yik Yak until he cries.
The latest 4 a.m. Adult Swim “infomercial” may be the weirdest, funniest one yet.
Noted ersatz Edward Gorey Lemony Snicket accidentally mistook the National Book Awards for the Friar’s Club in the early 1970s, and also he forgot to write a punchline, because “a black person is allergic to watermelon” isn’t even a racist joke, it’s just a racist observation. Needless to say, he is very sorry. And very spoooooky!!! And very bad.
Jack Shafer got laid-off again, which for certain teens is maybe a sign that we should consider an entirely different career path, because, come on. But he is pretty chill about it because he is the sort of libertarian who is honest enough to not be upset when he is axed for not creating enough value for a firm. Obviously Shafer’s next position will be Racket Teen Ombudsman and procurer-of-beer because he just turned 21 and he has a car.
As teens we only watch Twitch streams of fellow teens playing violent video games, but we heard from our stepdad (he’s pretty cool we guess) that Mike Nichols, who died yesterday, was one of the smartest filmmakers in American cinema history, a master of comedy and drama alike, who nearly always got the best out of both his screenplays and his actors. His “Angels in America,” probably his last great work, is almost as perfect a film adaptation of a theatrical work as his “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” was four decades earlier, and it features Al Pacino’s best “shouty era” performance. RIP to a truly impressive teen.
Today in Helpful Cosplay Suggestions:
— Senator Rand Paul (@SenRandPaul) November 20, 2014
The New Republic turned one-hundredteen years old last night and to celebrate, they didn’t invite their deadbeat dad to their birthday party, because he is a crazy bigot and they found a new dad. Leon Wieseltier told a story about arguing with Charles Krauthammer in the 1980s which sounds like a description of a toast from a Dean Martin Celebrity Roast in Hell. The magazine will celebrate its big day by firing and hiring its editor every few years until Chris Hughes gets bored with owning a magazine.
EXCLUSIVE TODAY IN TABS HOT TAKE:
Interpol — “Help We Are Trapped In the Snow”
Thanks teens! Now clean your damn room.