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Today in Tabs: Teens Take Tabs, Tab Teen Takes

Teen! Rackets! Tabs!

Today in Tabs: Teens Take Tabs, Tab Teen Takes
[Illustration: via Racket Teen]

Is Racket Teen real? People keep asking me this, and I have no idea. But I gave them Tabs to do today, so real or not here it is:

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While the MSM (mom-stream media) only ever tells you about the Bad Teens, we at Racket Teen want to use this opportunity to tell you adults other side of the story.

Today in Hero Teens:

NON-TEEN NEWS:

The latest 4 a.m. Adult Swim “infomercial” may be the weirdest, funniest one yet.

Noted ersatz Edward Gorey Lemony Snicket accidentally mistook the National Book Awards for the Friar’s Club in the early 1970s, and also he forgot to write a punchline, because “a black person is allergic to watermelon” isn’t even a racist joke, it’s just a racist observation. Needless to say, he is very sorry. And very spoooooky!!! And very bad.

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Jack Shafer got laid-off again, which for certain teens is maybe a sign that we should consider an entirely different career path, because, come on. But he is pretty chill about it because he is the sort of libertarian who is honest enough to not be upset when he is axed for not creating enough value for a firm. Obviously Shafer’s next position will be Racket Teen Ombudsman and procurer-of-beer because he just turned 21 and he has a car.

As teens we only watch Twitch streams of fellow teens playing violent video games, but we heard from our stepdad (he’s pretty cool we guess) that Mike Nichols, who died yesterday, was one of the smartest filmmakers in American cinema history, a master of comedy and drama alike, who nearly always got the best out of both his screenplays and his actors. His “Angels in America,” probably his last great work, is almost as perfect a film adaptation of a theatrical work as his “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” was four decades earlier, and it features Al Pacino’s best “shouty era” performance. RIP to a truly impressive teen.

Today in Helpful Cosplay Suggestions:

The New Republic turned one-hundredteen years old last night and to celebrate, they didn’t invite their deadbeat dad to their birthday party, because he is a crazy bigot and they found a new dad. Leon Wieseltier told a story about arguing with Charles Krauthammer in the 1980s which sounds like a description of a toast from a Dean Martin Celebrity Roast in Hell. The magazine will celebrate its big day by firing and hiring its editor every few years until Chris Hughes gets bored with owning a magazine.

EXCLUSIVE TODAY IN TABS HOT TAKE:

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Today’s Song

Interpol — “Help We Are Trapped In the Snow”

Alternate Song:

This entire set by Teen KISS cover bank SSIK

Thanks teens! Now clean your damn room.

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