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Today in Tabs: You Can’t Arrest Me I’m the Tabs Boss

There’s a new guest tabber in town.

Today in Tabs: You Can’t Arrest Me I’m the Tabs Boss
[Photo: Flickr user Emanuele]

Hi I’m Jessie, chosen ghost talker of the internet elite. Rusty and Bijan aren’t dead, they’re just sleeping.

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I’m excited to lead off tabs with some very important writering news: Jonathan Franzen is blessing us all with a new novel!  He has left the world of superior beings (birds) and worked feverishly for two years to create a tale of a lesser being, a woman, who—naturally—is incomplete until she finds her father. He is also—we are so lucky, fellow humans—getting biographied, and we are being promised that it will intimately reveal his metamorphosis as a writer and as a person who has achieved his final, true form of a bird. The bird people are coming, Tabs readers, and they have chosen Franzen to carry their message.

In other writering news, famous mean garbage company Vice has launched a science fiction vertical, Terraform and honestly it is great so far and I am excited about it, even if I think Vice is stealing ideas from my brain. Like a science fiction story, get it? Hmm? Yes, good, good jokes, moving on.

Jay is actually Hae in disguise: We’ve already peeled the first three layers of Takes off of Serial, because the internet is an efficient takes-based machine. Julia Carrie Wong contributed Serial’s use of the model minority trope to the ongoing discussion/backlash re: the podcast’s race issues, and then Jaime Green dropped a meta-take dissecting the use of citation in these arguments. That’s right, my little spider-egg-carriers, we are already on Take Level Meta and the podcast’s season hasn’t even finished. Life is truly a miracle.

Vows: Solange Knowles got married in a caped jumpsuit, like a superhero whose bridal party is also her amazing color-coordinated superhero brigade. Knowles and her new husband left the ceremony on bicycles painted completely white, like those ghost bikes people paint and leave by the road to memorialize bicyclists killed by cars. Is Solange a ghost superhero? Maybe. Is her power making the girl internet completely freak out on Sunday night? Yes.

I struggled a little to find an intern that would bring Bijan’s philosophical musings and thoughtful curation to the intern section today. Fortunately, I know a beautiful cat. Duck, what’s hot on the ‘net?

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by DUCK THE CAT

hi everybody, it’s me, Duck. i’m a cat. you may have seen me on the ‘net.

jessie asked me to write the intern tab today and i’m pretty nervous!!! ok here goes.

if you want to know how much your cat poops and how much it weighs you could scoop the litter box daily and get a scale, or you could purchase Tailio. i hope it sends a push alert every time i use the litter box: “duck just pooped”. according to the daily mail, tailio may be able to answer the age-old question ‘can cats predict earthquakes?’ i’ll save you the time and money: we can, but we don’t care.

new york is getting a cat cafe next month, congratulations humans. when will someone make a cat cafe for cats? i know the intern tab is usually more philosophical so: what is the meaning of life? who are we? what is a cat? what is a human? where does she take the cat?

i ate some food, drank some water, and gazed out the window. life is beautiful.

thank you for reading love duck


im the intern

Great job, Duck, and thank you, Becca Laurie, for having the foresight to teach your cat to type.

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Time (TIME? I don’t care) has issued an apology for attempting to have a nuanced, thoughtful discussion on the internet by asking for a straight up-and-down vote on banning the word ‘feminist’ or some other word used primarily by women, teens, and/or POC. I am giving odds on whether they still announce “feminist” as the winner on Wednesday, or if they pick the runner-up, thereby stoking the rage of the baby men on message boards who took up this very serious and real opportunity to ban the word “feminist.” Please contact me for betting information; the prize is I remove the part of your brain that is aware of Time. Related: here are some tips to prevent/deal with being doxxed.

This is getting to be kind of long: Ebola response, eh…lacking, calendar available, baby sleepy, early trolling documented, accused rapist facing minor consequences, video game short, Emily Gould is doing great blogging at Salon right now, Bobby Finger found the new Serial.

The Racket Teen Please Acquihire Me Song of the Day: “Racket Teen: Hero’s Theme”

The Other Song of the Day: Parkay Courts, “Content Nausea”

Today in Tabs has been brought to you by Jessie Guy-Ryan and Duck the Cat, courtesy of Rusty Foster and Bijan Stephen. Today in Tabs can be found at FastCoLabs and in your inbox.