There’s a new trailer for what might be the most anticipated mid-February theatrical release of all time: the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. The film gets its late-winter release not because the studio is trying to bury it, but because it might sell a bazillion tickets on Valentine’s Day to people who wish they were coming home to be tied up by a besuited gentleman who speaks in stilted dialogue like “I exercise control in all things” and “I had a rough start in life. That’s all you need to know.”
There’s a very real possibility that the Fifty Shades of Grey movie will end up defining sexiness for a generation, and if that’s the case, that will be a generation that is turned on by some rampant cheese. In addition to the dialogue, the set up of the film is full of choices so hilariously obvious that you can pretty much already hear the live-action MST3King of the audience based solely on this two-minute glimpse. When we meet her, Dakota Johnson’s Anastasia Steele is seemingly wearing the “beautiful actress who is supposed to be frumpy” uniform of an ill-fitting sweater and flowered blouse (presumably they spent their “chunky glasses” budget on the Beyonce song that plays throughout the trailer); Jamie Dornan’s Christian Grey spends his time putting on tailored power suits and responding to lines like “Why are you trying to change me?” with “I’m not. It’s you that’s changing me” as he grabs frumpy Anastasia’s face in a dramatic on-the-street encounter. Also there’s a subplot that appears to involve experimental aircraft, presumably to ensure that the audience understands that Christian Grey is basically the Batman of kinky sex. Cheesy as the trailer is, though, Dornan never appears in a rubber suit with molded nipples on them–which perhaps just means that they should have hired Joel Shumacher to direct and really sex things up.