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Today in Tabs: I Love the Smell of These Tabs

We love the scent of a good table in the morning, too.

Today in Tabs: I Love the Smell of These Tabs
[Photo: Flickr user Jarle Naustvik]

Shingy is an older Australian gentleman huddled beneath the scalp of a sickly emo lion, whose job is to spout bullshit to terrified #brand executives who know they contribute nothing of value to the world and are merely riding a diminishing pile of money into oblivion, like starving polar bears drifting south on a melting ice floe. Shingy is extremely good at his job–he has plugged his proboscis into AOL’s cash-hole to the widely-reported tune of “six figures” a year–and the last couple days have seen a bit of a Shingaissance, with delightful profiles by Andrew Marantz on the New Yorker dot com and Maria Bustillos in Details. While Shingy himself is a big, soft, stupid-looking target for ridicule, he’s just a man who found his grift and is pumping everything he can out of it. If you think Shingy is ridiculous (and he is) why not cast an eye on the man who pays his salary, AOL CEO and notorious baby-hater Tim Armstrong. “I love the smell of this table!” Armstrong exclaims in the New Yorker. I submit that Shingy knows exactly what he’s doing, and it’s Armstrong who is the hapless, furniture-huffing idiot.

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Today in Garb: Blight on trans-Atlantic relations Piers Morgan wrote that racism would end if only those people would stop using the N word. In case you thought he might at least be a well-meaning dolt, he later told national treasure Ta-Nehisi Coates to “be better,” so there’s your answer on that. Someone who works for “America’s creepy uncle who’s not allowed to visit anymore,” Bill Cosby, thought it would be a good idea to put up a tool that let users meme the legendary comedian and alleged rapist of at least 14 women. It was quickly taken down after everyone used it for its most obvious purpose. Meanwhile, crap-in-a-hat Andrew Sullivan joined #Gamergate. Tom Scocca points out that this is just Sullivan’s same old “’90s-era subroutine.”

Scocca also links former New Republic editor Sullivan to the New Republic’s current 100th birthday celebration, formally titled: “The New Republic Looks Back On a Century of Undermining the Left From Within.” Hanna Rosin is looking back on journalism’s most spectacular liar and her former friend Stephen Glass in a profile / apologia / reminiscence–a profologiscence, if you will (rhymes with “excrescence“). I get the feeling Rosin is the only writer on earth who wouldn’t have just filed “Of course Stephen Glass isn’t entitled to become a lawyer, lol” on a Post-It note for this assignment. Also in famous liars: Plagiarist and apology-profiteer Jonah Lehrer is working on a book. Please try to get your vom into the bucket, thanks.

Briefly: Egg-Freezing Party! International Jetpack Conference. The Businessweek Cover. Take Your Parents to Work Day. The rhizome and the network. Modest Meteor. The Awl redesign is live. The story of Emoji Girl. And let’s just beat this to death: Too Many Blips, Too Many Blocks, Too Many Tim Cooks.

BEHOLD, THE EVIL STICK

What evil have you found on the ‘net, Bijan?

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

There are some good things. There are many more bad ones. Here is a very bad thing that I have brought you, not unlike a cat that gifts you a dead animal on your doorstep, or a dog that has eaten some shit and vomits it onto your shoes as you’re cleaning up what the cat’s left for you.

This week’s issue of the newly-paywalled New Yorker has Paige Williams going very deep into an odd—and frankly unbelievable—protrusion of judicial power: judicial override. Judicial override is legal in exactly three states, Delaware, Florida, and Alabama; judicial override is exactly what it sounds like. Which is to say that judges—who, in blood-red Alabama, are democratically elected and are therefore subject to the esoteric moral whims of an insular group of white folk—can unilaterally disregard a jury’s decision in capital cases.

Generally, as in less-crimson Florida and downright-blue Delaware, this is used to convert death sentences into life in prison without the possibility of parole. In Alabama, however, judges appear to use their demigod powers to murder people who are disproportionately black and poor.

Williams wends her way through AL and tracks the case of one Shonelle Jackson, who will probably be the first person in American history to be executed despite a jury’s unanimous vote for his life. It is sickening. The quotes Williams has gotten, on the record, are sickening. There is nothing good about this, and it is hard and necessary reading. Ban the death penalty. Ban state-sponsored murder.

Preach.

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Today’s Comix: Jaden and Friends.

Today’s Song: Lorde x Kanye, “Flicker (Kanye Rework)

~The tabs will come out, tomorrow! So you gotta hang on till tomorrow, come what may…~

Today in Tabs is brought to you by FastCoLabs and by email. I tweet @rustyk5 and @TodayinTabs. Stop thinking SoLoMo and start thinking CloTa.

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