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How To Use Japanese Emoticons: A Play In 3 Parts

Or, “Much A-Donger About Nothing.”

ヽ༼ ʘ̚ل͜ʘ̚༼◕_◕༽◉_◔ ༽ノ — We have a question. What’s a donger?

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c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — I LOVE MY DONGER!

ლ(▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ლ) — Whoa whoa WHOA. Hold on there, potty mouth. This is a family publication.

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — It’s cool. Donger just sounds like a euphemism for a big rubbery one.

c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — DONGER! DONGER! DONGER!

༼ ಠ ▃ ಠೃ ༽ — I will slap you with my donger if you don’t cut it out!

༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ — *runs away sobbing, donger trailing behind him*

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┌∩┐(ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ — Yeah, that’s right! Take your donger and go crying home to mama!

ヽ༼ ʘ̚ل͜ʘ̚༼◕_◕༽◉_◔ ༽ノ — Uhhhhh…

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — Right, sorry. A donger is a set of unicode characters that when assembled together form a text emoticon.

༼୨༼ ºل͟º ༽୧༽ — So, what? It’s like an emoji?

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — Pfft. Emojis! Dongers are way cooler than emojis. Professor?


┬───┬ ノ༼ຈل͜ຈノ༽ — Ah, yes. Allow me to mansplain. Emojis are a small library of graphic emoticons that are rarely added to, and are controlled by a non-profit consortium. A donger, though, is just a line of ASCII characters that looks like something else, which you can modify however you want. Watch, for example, as I transform this table into…

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*ALAKAZAM*

/╲/\╭༼ ººل͟ºº ༽╮/\╱\ ノ༼ຈل͜ຈノ༽ ANT MUTA A GIANT MUTANT SPIDER!

༼ ⨀ ̿Ĺ̯̿̿⨀ ̿༽ง – AHHHHHH!

/╲/\╭༼ ººل͟ºº ༽╮/\╱\ ╾━╤デ╦︻༼ຈل͜ຈノ༽ — Ha ha! Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll just take care of this spider with my AK-47. Hold still . . .

*RAPID MACHINE GUN FIRE, ARACHNID SHRIEKING AND SQUELCHING NOISES*

┬───┬ ノ༼ຈل͜ຈノ༽ — And now this mutilated spider corpse is back to being just a table again. With dongers, you’re only limited by the power of your imagination.

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༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — Thank you for that excellent mansplanation, Professor. Any other questions?

ヽ༼ ʘ̚ل͜ʘ̚༼◕_◕༽◉_◔ ༽ノ — Dongers seem pretty cool. How do we make them for ourselves?

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — Good question! In the past, you needed to do a lot of experimentation with Unicode characters to craft a good donger, but these days, you can just go to the Donger List database and copy-and-paste from there.

༼∩✿ل͜✿༽⊃━☆゚. * ・ 。゚— It’s by far the best-designed repository of dongers I’ve ever seen!

༼୨༼ ºل͟º ༽୧༽ — Uh, who is that?

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ – Oh, don’t mind him, that’s just Adrian, Co.Design’s chief donger expert.

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༼∩✿ل͜✿༽⊃━☆゚. * ・ 。゚— And trust me, I’ve copied-and-pasted many a donger in my time! Wooo!

༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ — Uh, yes. The point is that, like Adrian, with the help of Dongerlist, you’ll never find yourself at a loss for the perfect donger to whip out in any social equation.

ヽ༼ ் ▽ ் ༽╯— YAY!

c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME!

༼ ಠ ▃ ಠೃ ༽ — What? You again?

c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — IT’S D-O-N-G-R!

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୧༼ಠ益ರೃ༽୨ — …

c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — MY BOLOGNA HAS A SECOND NAME!

ᕕ╏ ͜ಠ ‸ ͜ಠ ╏ᓄ – —] ︻╦╤─

(⌐■_■)–︻╦╤─ c༼ ” ͡° ▃ °͡ ” ༽ᕤ — IT’S D-O- *BLAM!*

(Exeunt)

[h/t Sidebar]

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(Ed. Note: ༼∩✿ل͜✿༽⊃━☆゚. * ・ 。゚)

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