Tabs is brought to you today by guest-tabber Jaya Saxena. Take it away Jaya. I mean that. Please take it away. –Rusty
The first time I heard about Today in Tabs, a friend frantically emailed me to say an essay I wrote had “made it into tabs.” I immediately responded with “huh?” and then “this seems dumb.” Who would’ve thought that, just a few months later, I would get to make a mockery of this venerable institution? Thanks, Rusty!
GUEST TABS TOMORROW GET PSYCHED! RT @jayasax: Lol what’s tabs
— Rusty Foster (@rustyk5) November 6, 2014
Rusty told me to run tabs like it was mine, which is funny because when I try to read the internet, I get exhausted and confused and just watch otter videos instead. So, we are all going to talk some more about this dude, who is going to put himself in a “snake proof” suit and get eaten alive by an anaconda on The Discovery Channel, for “Mega Week” and presumably Mega Educational Value. “I’m Paul Rosolie and I’m about to be the first person to be eaten alive by an anaconda,” he says, as if you can just make an anaconda eat you by putting on an appetizing outfit and putting it on national television. What does that delicious snake-proof suit look like, anyway? A capybara? Jon Voight? I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen an anaconda just eat a glorified SCUBA suit before, so step up your game, dude. Anyway, PETA is claiming that the anaconda “was tormented and suffered for the sake of ratings.” That’s probably true so don’t worry I will totally watch it for you.
the movie Hitch is so much better if you pretend Will Smith is a figment of Kevin James’ imagination
— official wwe pilot (@pilotbacon) November 6, 2014
What else? Toy Story 4 is being made, and everyone is making jokes about the plot (my money is on how Andy gets to college and can’t get it up unless his partner dresses as a cowboy). I thought the last one did a pretty good job of reminding us that there’s an American Girl doll in our mom’s attic that’s probably sentient and resentful. But it’s going to be written by Rashida Jones! And Will McCormack, but Rashida Jones!
Sometimes fetuses turn into stone, which is metal as hell. Micropenises are officially a talking point. I cracked my chest yesterday and I’m still not over it. Nicole Cliffe made a monster playlist in honor/mourning of Benedict Cumberbatch‘s engagement, which includes “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and “Being Alive” from Company so it’s already guaranteed to make your girl cry. An intrepid commenter turned it into a Spotify playlist if you have no other plans tonight.
My name is Jaya Saxena and potatoes fit into my life. The moon has an angry sister. Idris Elba thinks RTJ2 has a “stupidly sick” flow and he is right. And if you’re not delighted by this mashup of Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” and a 1989 Crystal Light Aerobics competition then I don’t know what to do with you.
can you come over
yeah like fly here
I’ll pick you up at the airport
I need you
— Julia Carrie Wong (@juliacarriew) November 7, 2014
I know everyone likes Bijan or whatever but it’s my show now and I’m bringing in my own intern: Cat Ferguson!
“The world doesn’t need two Bijans” indeed. (Arguably it doesn’t even need one. —Rusty)
Today’s Song: Speaking of Hitch, we’re going to watch the title track from the Bollywood remake, Partner, and we’re going to like it.
Okay thank you Rusty, I hope I got everyone to unsubscribe! I’m going to go eat Oreo churros, “finally”!
~It’s a tab’s tab’s tab’s world~
Thanks so much to guest-tabber Jaya Saxena! She just quit her job to write so if you are an editor looking for new talent get in touch with her! We’ll be back next week, in your email and on FastCoLabs.