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Today in Tabs: I Can’t Make You Tab Me

Season Two of Tabs has a new guest star and thank god.

Today in Tabs: I Can’t Make You Tab Me
[Screenshot: via Discovery]

Tabs is brought to you today by guest-tabber Jaya Saxena. Take it away Jaya. I mean that. Please take it away. –Rusty

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The first time I heard about Today in Tabs, a friend frantically emailed me to say an essay I wrote had “made it into tabs.” I immediately responded with “huh?” and then “this seems dumb.” Who would’ve thought that, just a few months later, I would get to make a mockery of this venerable institution? Thanks, Rusty!

Rusty told me to run tabs like it was mine, which is funny because when I try to read the internet, I get exhausted and confused and just watch otter videos instead. So, we are all going to talk some more about this dude, who is going to put himself in a “snake proof” suit and get eaten alive by an anaconda on The Discovery Channel, for “Mega Week” and presumably Mega Educational Value.  “I’m Paul Rosolie and I’m about to be the first person to be eaten alive by an anaconda,” he says,  as if you can just make an anaconda eat you by putting on an appetizing outfit and putting it on national television. What does that delicious snake-proof suit look like, anyway? A capybara? Jon Voight? I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen an anaconda just eat a glorified SCUBA suit before, so step up your game, dude. Anyway, PETA is claiming that the anaconda “was tormented and suffered for the sake of ratings.” That’s probably true so don’t worry I will totally watch it for you.

What else? Toy Story 4 is being made, and everyone is making jokes about the plot (my money is on how Andy gets to college and can’t get it up unless his partner dresses as a cowboy). I thought the last one did a pretty good job of reminding us that there’s an American Girl doll in our mom’s attic that’s probably sentient and resentful. But it’s going to be written by Rashida Jones! And Will McCormack, but Rashida Jones!

Sometimes fetuses turn into stone, which is metal as hell. Micropenises are officially a talking point. I cracked my chest yesterday and I’m still not over it. Nicole Cliffe made a monster playlist in honor/mourning of Benedict Cumberbatch‘s engagement, which includes “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and “Being Alive” from Company so it’s already guaranteed to make your girl cry. An intrepid commenter turned it into a Spotify playlist if you have no other plans tonight.

My name is Jaya Saxena and potatoes fit into my life. The moon has an angry sister. Idris Elba thinks RTJ2 has a “stupidly sick” flow and he is right. And if you’re not delighted by this mashup of Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” and a 1989 Crystal Light Aerobics competition then I don’t know what to do with you.

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I know everyone likes Bijan or whatever but it’s my show now and I’m bringing in my own intern: Cat Ferguson!

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by CAT FERGUSON

Hi everybody! I was originally going to tell you about imposter syndrome and rejection and my ~*~feelings~*~ but then I remembered that the world doesn’t need two Bijans, so instead I’m going to talk about poop.

Last month, Jeff Leach injected himself with the feces of a man from a hunter-gatherer tribe in Tanzania, in an effort to cure the ills of the Western lifestyle. This sort of makes sense, if you’re the kind of person who reads psuedoscience about Paleo and nods thoughtfully instead of breaking into a rage sweat.

Fortunately for humanity and anyone who might be considering heading to Tanzania with a turkey baster, Ed Yong is on the case. Here’s him on why this is stupid and potentially dangerous:

“It may be that a Hadza microbiome would work equally well in an American gut, but incompatibilities are also possible. The conquistadors proved as much. As they colonized South America, they brought with them European strains of Helicobacter pylori, a stomach bacterium that infrequently causes ulcers and stomach cancer, and these European strains also displaced native American ones. This legacy persists in Colombia, where some communities face a 25-fold higher risk of stomach cancer, most likely due to mismatches between their ancestral genomes and their H. pylori strains.

The microbiome is the sum of our experiences throughout our lives: the genes we inherited, the drugs we took, the food we ate, the hands we shook. It is unlikely to yield one-size-fits-all solutions to modern maladies.

On a significantly less shitty note, it is angel-voiced wunderkind Shamir Bailey’s birthday today, so head right this way to watch the sick video for his new single.

“The world doesn’t need two Bijans” indeed. (Arguably it doesn’t even need one. —Rusty)

Today’s Song: Speaking of Hitch, we’re going to watch the title track from the Bollywood remake, Partner, and we’re going to like it.

Today’s Actual Song: “Please Please Please” by James Brown, because I watched Mr. Dynamite last night.

Today’s Read: “Jeremiah Tower’s Invincible Armor of Pleasure” by John Birdsall

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Okay thank you Rusty, I hope I got everyone to unsubscribe! I’m going to go eat Oreo churros, “finally”!

~It’s a tab’s tab’s tab’s world~

Thanks so much to guest-tabber Jaya Saxena! She just quit her job to write so if you are an editor looking for new talent get in touch with her! We’ll be back next week, in your email and on FastCoLabs.

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