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Today in Tabs Episode VII: The Tab Awakens

Spoiler alert: the Intern saved the day.

Today in Tabs Episode VII: The Tab Awakens

Some days I sit down to write and it feels like nothing particularly terrible has happened online in the last 24 hours, which is great of course, but I also can’t help finding it professionally troubling. I may just not have been paying attention? I did watch this excellent mystery documentary set in the Galapagos and go to sleep early last night. But then I remember that some guy in Washington killed a woman and posted pictures of it on 4chan, and I wish it was 30 seconds ago when nothing much had happened.

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Who hated The Giving Tree? Everyone right? I distinctly remember that book being my first childhood experience of total despair, so thanks Shel. Beyoncé is just stunned that Taylor Swift sold 1.287 million albums in her first week. I had a bet with Vox’s Kelsey McKinney about whether Taylor would outsell Beyoncé or not, and I was team Beyoncé so I lost that bet real bad. Never go up against a Millennial when pop music is on the line.

Also Today in Millennials: Thought Catalog strikes back at notorious hater Tim Herrera and his so-called “Washington Post, and some Thoughts have definitely been Cataloged. “It’s almost as if Woodward and Bernstein thought it would be hilarious to interject potty humor into the greatest American political crisis of all time, like two children in the bathroom at the White House, playing with doodoo in the toilet and smearing it all over the wall – writing stuff like “I love poop,” and “I love to eat diapers.” Then they kiss the poop and say the poop is good when actually poop is bad.” This is one of the more comprehensible passages.

How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe” author Charles Yu reviewed the Irvine, CA Buffalo Wild Wings for The Morning News. “I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the restaurant simultaneously managed to exceed, disappoint, and exactly meet these expectations.” Last time I was in New York I went to the Manhattan Denny’s, and if I were a better writer I would have described the experience exactly that way.

Amazon just announced a standalone Siri-thing, and I can’t wait to not ever get one! In other self-surveillance news: Matt Haughey accidentally put his nudes in the cloud with a Dropcam. The Internet of Things That Are Always Watching You. Always Watching. Speaking of watching, Women, Action, and the Media is working with Twitter to test a new high-priority harassment reporting tool. It is literally impossible for this to function worse than Twitter’s existing harassment reporting system, so please try it.

A Discovery show called Eaten Alive plans to have someone swallowed whole by a giant snake, but NPR says “my anaconda don’t.” Star Wars Episode VII has a title. MST3K’s Turkey Day marathon will be streaming live online to help you survive Thanksgiving. In Vanity Fair, Kurt Eichenwald asks “Are conservatives ever right?” No. The answer is no. In case you weren’t sure. That’s a big nope. N. O.

Wow! Tabs is just not very good today. Bijan, why don’t you write something that will make everyone forget what garb work I’m doing here?

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TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

I’ve searched for, and have been disappointed to find that few studies have been done on the psychological effects of being a minority in a mostly homogeneous workplace for an extended period of time,” Erica Joy writes, before detailing—in affectless, clear prose—exactly how racism rules her life and exactly how it hurts her, as a black woman who works in tech. Reading the essay is like watching someone suffocate a candle’s flame: you watch the light dim as its oxygen runs inexorably out.

I mention oxygen here because respiration is universal; I don’t know that there’s a more primal, physical fear than not being able to breathe. Hold your breath for as long as you can, right now. Wait until you feel your lungs involuntarily spasm. Ignore that. Keep it in for just a little longer. Think: that’s the closest you’ve come to death in a while, isn’t it? A minute longer and you wouldn’t need to hold anything in anymore. There’d be nothing to hold, no person to do the holding.

My point, if it wasn’t clear, is that I can’t describe Erica’s experience in any terms but the most fundamental. This is what structural racism feels like, except instead of your breath it’s your career, your prospects, your hopes, your dreams, your very life—all being choked by an implacable force outside of yourself. And you can never catch your breath.

Inhale, exhale.

Damn. Good save.

Today’s Song: Drake, “Girls Love Beyoncé” feat. James Fauntleroy

Today’s Other Song: Earl Sweatshirt, “45” (please put out a new album soon Earl?)

~Tab, or tab not. There is no try.~

I’m excited to announce that tomorrow’s Today in Tabs will feature guest-tabber Jaya Saxena of Dad Magazine and other written things! And I’m told she will have a surprise guest intern as well! So if you haven’t already, subscribe by email, and we’ll see them tomorrow on FastCoLabs as usual.

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