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Today in Tabs: These Tabs About to Blow

There are definitely some blowhards caught in the ‘net.

Today in Tabs: These Tabs About to Blow

Kesha is suing her longtime producer / exploiter, “Dr. Luke,” who was clearly first in line the day they handed out the molester aliases. Dr. Luke immediately filed a countersuit alleging that Kesha is slanderbeeking his name to get out of her contract. Kelsey McKinney has an explainer on Vox but unaccountably fails to reveal what Dr. Luke is a doctor of.

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Today in The D: I am surprised to find myself with a whole section’s worth of peen-ralated tabs, but here we are. The gameshow Family Feud probably caused one when this contestant revealed that her husband’s dick is the worst. Katie Notopoulous investigated the elusive micropenis and clearly wants to conclude that size doesn’t matter, but I couldn’t help noticing that zero of her correspondents’ stories ended with “…and we’re still happily together today!” And to complete our dialectical movement from bad dicks to small dicks to no dicks: Gawker‘s Simon Davis brings us this interview with a “nullo.”

Madeline Holden writes about “Critique my Dick Pic” in The New Inquiry, concluding “what we really need to cultivate is a plurality of gazes.isthecondomstillontheftrain dot tumblr dot com. A mixup in an Ohio dick-not-present transaction leads to a possible new legal case for reparations, in this New Yorker tab. I still don’t have any idea whether I think this is horrifying or encouraging.

Trash novelist and hillbilly dick John Grisham unexpectedly came out as an advocate for the harmlessness of child porn, at least when enjoyed by “60 year old white guys,” “guys like [him],” or his “good buddy from law school” who “had too much to drink or whatever, and pushed the wrong buttons,” in case you were in any way unclear about who exactly should not be punished for seeking out and downloading clearly labeled sexual pictures of children. Grisham later posted a statement saying the exact opposite of what he clearly says in the Telegraph video, but more briefly and much less convincingly. And finally, Eron Gjoni, the dick to whom we owe #gamergate, says that if he could go back in time, he would still post the gross misogynist rant against his ex-girlfriend Zoe Quinn that started it all, even though he had to quit his job because fighting an online war against women is so exhausting. Poor fella. Lay down your burden, son, and just sleep. Shhh. Sleep now.

Speaking of #gamergate, which, to be clear, we never ever are, two relatively good tabs about it washed up in the last couple of days. Deadspin‘s Kyle Wagner wrote probably the only thing you need to read about it, particularly w/r/t its relationship with other privileged-people’s-grievance movements like the Tea Party, the Moral Majority, and the Know-Nothings. And in The Awl, Herrman looks at how parents and their kids are dealing with #gamergate.


Bobby Finger everyone. Dang.

Grendan is a tough guy. “Why I’m staying in New York” is the new “Why I left New York.” I visited ebola.com by accident and now you’re all infected, sorry. Zuckerberg / Chan donate $25 million to fight ebola. That would buy a whole lot of cuddly plush ebolas. Bitcoin people are still the worst. Quiz: Trent Reznor or household appliance? Cat Expensive. Cat on Dog. Cool Gifs. Cool Terminal. Drunk J Crew. Give up writing for good.

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TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

Last week, my sister came up from college to get lunch with my brother and I. She, of course, brought along four friends. I don’t remember any of their names. But anyway, we sat down for our meal, and, not five minutes into it, the #teens called me #old.

I was a little offended, until I remembered how old everyone seemed when I was my sister’s age and younger. Today, my friends Leah and PJ put out a TLDR episode about Leah’s time as a sex/advice columnist to teenage boys at IGN. She told them that their dicks were normal, yes, but she also helped them consider what it means to care about people. PJ, of course, was one of those lost boys.

It’s pretty powerful, I think, and a nice reminder that what you do online really does follow you. I guess the challenge is to make things you’re proud of—things that matter, that are as reliable as your shadow.

I swear that Bijan and I did not collude on the dick-related content in today’s intern tab. It must be the autumn Full Willy Moon or something.

Also: I guess Apple had an event today.

Today’s Local News Moment: Listen to the response when Alexis Coe says “castrated” at 1:40 of this video.

Today’s Song: Kesha, “Tik Tok

~Tabs and glitter cover the floor, we’re pretty and sick, we’re young and we’re bored~

Today in Tabs is sorry that this thing is at least 50% about dicks. Ok, strictly speaking, I’m not at all sorry. Read us on FastCoLabs or get us by email. Also I’m like 90% sure I used the quote above already but I couldn’t help it.

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