i will steal something chris jones loves for every day he refuses to fight. here i raise my banner. here i pitch my pavilion. here i wait.
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) January 4, 2013
Internet tough guy and self-confessed couchfucker Chris Jones, riding high off his recent string of magazine award losses, just published an Esquire cover story on “sexiest woman alive” Penelope Cruz that takes literally until the tenth paragraph to mention Cruz’s name or existence. It’s clear that she didn’t say anything to him at all over their awkward dinner, but I’d hate to see Jones have another tantrum when his fifth-grade Hemingway pastiche isn’t recognized, so I commissioned him a special National Magazine Award:
There’s a new, authorized biography of Bill Cosby, which of course doesn’t mention the 13 women who have accused Cosby of drugging and sexually assaulting them. Michael Wolff asks himself if that’s ok to simply disregard, and answers that yes, it’s “a nice reminder” of “the old rules and assumptions from a time when journalism and especially news magazines promoted nothing so much as ambition and achievement.” So, Michael Wolff is totally cool with not mentioning your rapes, that’s good 2 know.
It’s Columbus Day, so let’s all re-read chapter one of The People’s History. Columbus would have appreciated these Dropbox bros’ struggle to claim a soccer field from a horde of savage native children. “It would be glib to call Malala [Yousafzai]’s very real fight for justice and Harry Potter’s fictional quest a case of life imitating art…” says Charlotte Alter in Time, near the beginning of a 1000 word tab doing exactly that. “If the Taliban had read Harry Potter, they might recognize that in trying to kill Malala, they created a powerful threat…” If the Taliban had read Harry Potter. If the. Taliban. Had read. Harry.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ via Jess Zimmerman
The news that the terrible Uber Facts twitter account makes a half million dollars a year led Herrman to write a whole article made of nothing but Uber Facts which is predictably garbage.
Edward Snowden “is now living in domestic bliss… with his long-term girlfriend whom he loves” writes Glenn Greenwald in the natural idiom of his fellow human people.
Who would want to watch a bunch of females in a movie!? I mean unless they’re being held hostage of course. The disastrous psychic fallout from what is now ominously known as “The Hudson Experiment” continues: “Tinder, But For Small Towns.”
Whiskey novelist. Hemingway is my spiritual guide, if I believed in that crap. Open invite for shithearts to shoot me with a crossbow. Rower
— Buzzfeed Takeman (@swarthyvillain) October 13, 2014
Wild clowns have been reported encroaching on human settlements in both Bakersfield and Wasco, CA. Sadly, with the effects of climate change and habitat loss, instances of uncontrolled clown-human interactions are only going to increase. Just remember, the clown is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Nate Jones‘s “An Oral History of Weezer Promising Their New Album Will Be Better in Vulture is amazing. The new album is not good though. Henry Blodget is the only one at Business Insider who can assemble a piece of Ikea furniture, which explains a lot. Our World Is a Carnival of Horrors, vol. MCXLVII: “her doctors said the three-inch leech… would eventually have wormed its way through her brain.” @Everyword, but more secure. Myles Tanzer got whatever they call “fired” in BuzzfeedSpeak. You should hire him, he’s only occasionally a tab.
The question isn’t “why did he go back down the grate” but “why aren’t we all huddling in the subway tunnels all the time?”
Today’s Song: David Bowie’s new single “Sue (or in a season of crime)” sounds like Frank Sintra, a jazz track, and a drum ‘n bass song all playing at the same time
Today’s Other Song: Run the Jewels “Close Your Eyes (And Count To Fuck)” feat. Zach de la Rocha
~They do not have Takes, and do not know them, for I showed them a tab, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance.~
Did you know I literally write this footer by hand every day? For a while, early on, I had one standard footer that I copied and pasted in, but I found that no one read it, and they’d be like “Rusty how do we follow you on twitter?” so what was the point? Now I write every word of this thing by hand and post it on FastCoLabs and send it via TinyLetter my own self. That’s service. Standing offer for artichoke hearts.