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Today In Tabs: Of Human Garbage

Mice and the men who live in Dumpsters.

Today In Tabs: Of Human Garbage
[Photo: Flickr user 流璃]

We have kind of a garb-bag of Tabs today, and that is not a typo. The big weekend tab was the return of Professor Dumpster, last seen blaming his wife for his completely vanilla midlife crisis and smelling terrible across Eastern Europe. The date is now in development as a book and movie, and the Prof. D and his girlfriend seem to be settling in to stunt-living as a full time thing. Today in Tabs sent our Human Garb Bureau Chief Alison Headley to the dumpster itself this morning and she sent back the following (basically) LIVE picture:

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No toilet but I guess he’s got radar?

Speaking of human garbage, Ed Champion went on another vicious harassment spree last week, and finally got his Twitter account suspended. He followed it with the usual suicide threats, and some have speculated that this Brooklyn Paper article is about Champion. The only thing that’s clear at this point is that wherever Champion is, he won’t be missed, and he should never come back or write anything ever again.

The Daily Show mentioned One Direction and #teen Twitter completely lost it. I could have told them it was a bad idea to engage the 1D Fandom. Quartz published a tab explaining that the Hong Kong protesters are not referring to Ferguson when they hold their hands up, and titled it “‘Hands up, don’t shoot” comes to Hong Kong’s pro-democracy movement.” Vox‘s version admitsIt’s impossible to say the degree to which protesters are using the gesture as a deliberate nod to Ferguson,” which might be true except for the fact that literally no one in either tab had ever heard of Ferguson. Chelsea Clinton had her baby and the media was gross about it.

LeBron‘s hairline appears to be tidal (teach the #LeBrontroversy)! Egg warns us about the tech bubble he created. There’s gonna be a whole Franzen biography to hate-read next year! Future divorcée confuses the words “code-switching” and “lying.” Noted individuality fanatic Peter Thiel‘s cryogenically preserved brain in a jar recommends that “everyone at your company should be different in the same way.” Life will be so much simpler when we have one app for each word we might want to send someone. “Yahoo focuses on core products by shutting down Yahoo” is somehow not a joke but a real thing that just happened. This three-breasted woman Halloween costume is both horrifying and, one feels, only what we deserve. Benedict Cumberbatch can’t say “penguins.” [via Digg].

Late Ello coverage continues to trickle in: Jess Zimmerman points out that while Ello is not a real threat to them, this would be a good time for the existing social networks to think about why we hate them so much. As if anyone could ever figure that out!

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

Bret Easton Ellis wrote a tab for French Vanity Fair Dot Com about Millennials (his term: Generation Wuss) wherein he defends his comments from a now un-findable VICE UK interview from February. Ellis manages to misspell Tyler Clementi’s name while proclaiming himself sympathetic to the Millennial plight (wars, economy collapse, chronic unemployment, etc). His conclusion? Generation Wusscan’t deal with that kind of cold-eye reality.

Anyway, while looking for the VICE article, I stumbled across Ellis‘s Paris Review interview where he misattributes a quote about pretentiousness to Bob Dylan. It seems to be from a 2003 profile of Sting published in the Sydney Morning Herald:

“What is wrong with being pretentious?” ponders Sting. “I think you only achieve anything by pretending to achieve it in the first place. I pretended to be a musician and by that process became a musician.

I pretended to be a grown-up and by that process grew up. I pretended to be a dad and then I became a dad.”

Is this where babies come from, Rusty?

Well Bijan, as John Lennon once said: “you don’t have to put on the red light.” Good google-using, btw, that Vice tab took me at least 45 seconds to find. I will now go back to pretending to be essential, and leave you with:

Today’s Notable Title: The Register, “Super Cali so litigious, Uber is the focus. Even German judges say it’s something quite atrocious

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Today’s Song: Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” from The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 soundtrack

~Every vow you break, every tab you take, I’ll be watching you~

Today in Tabs would like to be known as DJ Pyroclastic Flow when we’re up in the club. Read us on FastCoLabs or by email. Corrections and Tabs news @TodayinTabs. Dad jokes @rustyk5.

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