advertisement
advertisement

Today in Tabs: Wee, Sleekit, Cow’rin Tabbsie

Tabs is here, you can stop waiting in line already.

Today in Tabs: Wee, Sleekit, Cow’rin Tabbsie
[iPhone6 courtesy of Apple; People: Flickr user Doug Kline; Castle: Flickr user Jack Torcello]

The most striking thing about iPhone 6 release day is how the failure states of communism and capitalism look identical:

advertisement

via the Daily Mail (left) and Meredith Frost (right)

Also Today in Lines:

Today in Nae: Yesterday Scotland voted that there can continue to be only one. In a less well-covered referendum question, Scotland also voted that no, bloggers are not journalists. Farhad didn’t see what the big deal was, when there are really interesting things going on. David Cameron, although granted a temporary stay of execution by this outcome, is still a dick.

The Dot Biz: Obviously Apple‘s ok (though U2, not so much) but what’s going on elsewhere in the dot biz? Larry Ellison is stepping down as Oracle CEO in order to spend more time pursuing his hobby, Evil. He leaves the company in the hands of co-CEOs named “Hurd” and “Catz” which has to be some kind of a parting U+1F595? If you want to get rich like Larry, perhaps Shark Tank is your ticket? Let Jia Tolentino disabuse you of that notion. Speaking of Jia, she’s the new features editor at Jezebel (also now featuring 100% more Emma Carmichael) the announcement of which was greeted with delightful shade by Carmichael’s former employer, real feminist blog The Hairpin. Yes I know that wasn’t business news, but counterpoint: I don’t care.

Today in Kevin: the gig economy screws its workers to no one’s surprise. Here’s a WordPress site made by some midwesterner that you can pay $9,000 to join if you have an extra $9,000 in your “being unbelievably basic” budget. A new startup is ruining email bounce messages, which I’m shocked to find even could be ruined. RIP Paul Ford, he died doing what he loved: “working.” And David Brooks apparently discovered that human people have friends. “Come be my friend, fellow meat-person,” said Brooks, spreading his mandibles in a show of congenial welcome, “Let us engage in sleepunders and create mutual physical and monetary benefit!

I’ve hardly written anything today but it still feels like a lot of work, so let’s see what the intern’s got for us.

advertisement
TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by BIJAN STEPHEN

I am the Drake of Tabs. I know this is true because a bot told me so.

Bots won’t ever give you up, they’ll never let you down, and they’ll never rick roll you—unless, of course, they’ve been programmed to. To me, they represent strides toward a more perfect humanity.

Which, I guess, is why Botinder exists. It’s Tinder, but with a crucial difference. You can set it to auto-like every single user. At speed. Makes this dude look like a chump, tbqf.

Anyway, Britton Green, random internet man, had this to say about Botinder: “Does what it says it does.”

I, for one, welcome our bot overlords. Bring ‘er home, Tab Daddy.

Thanks Bijan. This doesn’t mean you get to stop manually liking everyone on my Tinder though. I would never replace you with a bot, even though I could. Easily.

Today’s Headline Showdown: XOJane’s “I Pooped Someone Else’s Bed and Survived the Humiliation” vs. The Daily Californian’s “‘Cock’ Doesn’t Need To Go To Great Lengths To Please

Today’s Tumblr: Mies Van Der Rozay

Today’s Song: The Thermals, “Back to the Sea

~If you want a picture of the future, imagine a tab stamping on a human face — forever.~

Today in Tabs is brought to you by FastCoLabs and email newsletter which is the future of all media. If you’d like, you can follow me on Twitter @rustyk5 or the lower-volume @TodayinTabs. Have a weekend!

advertisement