It’s been a while since a fired-up father wrote the book on dating his teenage daughter, or the late John Ritter conveyed those rules via sitcom. Now a new breed of dad has taken up the mantle, suffusing similar warning shots toward the future suitors of his baby girl with the heart of a poet.
The almost too aptly named Jesse Parent recently took to the stage at the 2014 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational in Boulder, Colorado, and unleashed a tender, if a little scary, ode to his daughter. Although clearly coming from a place of love, Parent is not afraid to place actual death threats in the piece called “To the Boys Who May One Day Date My Daughter.” Such threats include references to his “ample crawlspace” and “room with a rubber mat and a drain.”
It’s not all macho posturing and first-degree assault, however. The poem also touches on how this fierce, protective, fatherly love will help to build a well-rounded, emotionally grounded young woman who possesses excellent decision-making skills. “There will be no ‘daddy issues’ for your teenage talons to latch onto,” Parent assures anyone who might be listening. Finally, lest you think it’s all a bit too heteronormative, this dad also has a message for the girls who may one day date his teenage daughter.