Despite recent reports that the modern corsets that Spanx makes literally squeeze the wearer’s organs, leading to all kinds of medical grimness–like erosive esophagitis, swollen ankles, and blood clots–the company went and invented an undergarment even more restrictive than their usual tights. Spanx has just released what they’re describing as a “Bra… for your Butt!” Because wearing just one bra isn’t enough, apparently.
Heinously christened the Trust Your Thinstincts Booty Bra,” the design seems based on the notion that regular underwear is just way too comfortable and not “separating” enough: “Expandable fabric placed at the cheeks keep your posterior perky and separated–you won’t believe these buns are real!” Spanx promises delightedly on their website. Separated? Women have plenty of body complaints, but we’ve never heard “posterior not separated enough.”
Made of spandex, nylon, and elastene, with microfiber panels that wrap around the core, this $58 butt contraption is also supposed to flatten the stomach and eliminate love handles. Okay, fine, in moderation–even if your organs will pay later–Spanx can be like a good friend giving you a nice tight hug, telling you it’s okay to eat that burrito, they’ve got you covered. But why, oh why, did they have to call it a Booty Bra?