That seems to be the look of things to judge by some recent inventions. From modern day chastity belts to steamy Google Glass sex, wearables are trying to get intimate with us in ways that run the gamut from playful to creepy. But, you know, mostly creepy.
Ravijour’s “True Love Tester” is pretty much the hallmark of the current state of sexy wearable tech: Awkward, pretty useless, and sprinkled with hints of misogyny. “A revolutionary bra that knows how women truly feel,” the company advertises. A sensor within the bra detects the wearer’s heart rate, and a Bluetooth app calculates how the rate changes over time to find your “True Love Rate.” Hit the magic number, and the bra pops open, allowing Your One True Love XOXO to have at your chest with wanton abandon. I guess if you want to get it on with someone less than perfect, the bra will have to stay on. (Just kidding, “Women always seek true love,” according to the promotional video.) What happens if you want to go to bed alone? Guess you’ll be sleeping trapped in the confines of a wire-laden bra until Prince Charming comes to save you.
Heat sensors embedded in the Intimacy Black dress react to nearby bodies. When someone approaches the wearer, the already-skimpy dress turns completely transparent. Awesome for an exhibitionist, not so useful for anyone who wants to have control over who she flashes.
Last summer, software developer Infinity AR released an ad that aimed to showcase how awesome augmented reality software on wearables like Google Glass could be. It could even help you date! In the worst way possible. Sure, a Google Glass app could pull up oodles of information about a possible conquest when you first meet her, allowing you to rapidly mine her data for the quickest way into her pants. Pick up artists go high-tech. Yep, that would make the world a better place.
In 2008, Brazilian lingerie designer Lucia Iorio debuted “Find Me If You Can,” a GPS-tracking undergarment. Because the one thing that was missing from lingerie was its ability to pinpoint your exact location. Iorio claimed the garment was a “challenge” to men because “she can only be found if she wants to.” Don’t worry ladies, even if you can’t shell out $800 for a teddy, the NSA will always know where you are!
Go ahead and admire everything sleazy about this video:
Male gaze, meet your technological counterpart. Designer Ying Gao’s photoluminescent dresses use eye-tracking technology to transform and contort under the weight of an unblinking stare. Staring hard enough doesn’t cause the dress to move aside and let you see boobs, though, so what even is the point?
“For some couples, the explosion of the digital age has resulted in a shift in intimacy, as many pay more attention to devices than their partners,” OhMiBod founder Suki Dunham says. Boyfriend can’t stop locking eyes with his screen? Turn his phone into a vibrator control center. The $129 personal massager blueMotion can vibrate to patterns of a lover’s recorded voice, or music, or whatever else gets you in the mood. Except its most obvious application–upping the ante on long-distance sexting–may be out of reach. So far it only works within Bluetooth range, somewhere in the range of 30 feet. Cross-apartment sexting, maybe?
It’s only a matter of time before Google Glass turns into the go-to device for recording amateur (and not-so-amateur) porn. With the app Glance, you can see sex from the perspective of your partner. Which sounds all intimate and bonding-filled until you realize that it’s a way to watch yourself have sex. And that when two people wearing head-up displays go at it, they might bash their really expensive new glasses together. Broken Glass, sexy!