Welcome to the New Workplace, or, Nothing You Learned in College Will help You Here, But You Still Have to Pay Back Your Student Loans.
The typical office is undergoing dramatic changes as employees embrace new technology and find more ways to waste time and avoid responsibility. Startups run by socially awkward 20-year-olds with more money than the state of Rhode Island are also contributing to the disruption of the modern workplace. This guide is here to help you navigate the new office politics that sometimes feel more like high school than the engines of our economy.
For those of you starting a new job, you will still receive a cumbersome 3-ring binder from the Human Resources department outlining the rules and guidelines of your new workplace. But all of it was written by lawyers who are protecting the company in the event that you slip on the kitchen floor and hit your head while microwaving oatmeal or in case you get felt up in the parking garage by a guy wearing driving gloves and a beret.
Please be advised, the rules in the 3-ring binder aren’t your guide to happiness on the job, and they won’t help you get ahead in this world. Though they might help you find the phone number for your 401k administrator or the details of your dental plan. On the other hand, the contents of our book, Stop Tweeting Boring Sh*t, can be quite helpful. And if you adopt some of the thoughts as your own and make it seem as though you came up with them, people will think you’re funny and might want to have drinks with you and then have sex with you.
Throughout our book, you’ll find facts, insights and random observations that seem to ring true.
Some of the rules contained in this book are less like rules and more like guidelines. And depending on what you do for a living and whether or not you wear pleated slacks, you may find them funny or you may find them not funny at all. If it’s the later, please give this book as a gift to your children.
That should be enough of an introduction for you to get an idea of what’s coming. We now proudly present the New Rules of Work.