These Terms of Service (“Terms”) govern your access to and use of the One More Thing Column (“The Column” or “One More Thing”), by Baratunde Thurston (“Author” or “Grand Poobah”). These Terms apply to anyone reading, hearing about, glancing at, remembering, touching, breathing on, overhearing discussion of, or otherwise engaging with The Column or the words and ideas contained therein. Acceptance of the Terms is retroactive. You (“Reader” or “The Rabble” or “User”) have agreed to be bound by these Terms, as have your descendants, for the greater of two generations or 200 years.
This agreement is written in English.
You may engage with The Column only in compliance with these Terms and all applicable local, state, national, and international laws, rules, and regulations, and the rules posted at the McCarren Park Pool in Brooklyn, New York. That means NO HORSEPLAY!
In seeking to provide the best user experience possible, we may collect information related to your engagement with The Column such as, but not limited to, your location, duration of engagement, emotional state, credit rating, voter registration status, criminal record, and Internet connection speed. We will also collect your Klout score, even though we all know it’s meaningless.
Reader thoughts in reaction to The Column, whether expressed or not, are also to be considered property of the Author. You hereby grant the Author worldwide, nonexclusive, royalty-free license (with the right to sublicense) to use, copy, reproduce, process, adapt, modify, falsify, publish, transmit, display, and distribute such thoughts in any method (now known or later developed).
You agree to read each and every issuance of The Column and to hold in high esteem the theories, observations, reports, and ideas (collectively referred to as “The Teachings”) presented in The Column and to promote them, without modification or criticism, across your social network profiles with enthusiasm, humility, awe, and a minimum of two (2) hashtags.
We reserve the right to imprison any Reader at any time for any reason.
At any time, you may request that personal data we have collected be deleted. We will make every effort to make note of such requests.
You will inform us, in a timely fashion, of any change of mailing or email address, or of any changes in your life in general.
This is the part where we yell.
THE COLUMN IS PROVIDED “AS IS” AND COULD RESULT IN HARM, MISINFORMATION, PROVOCATION TO VIOLENCE, LOSS OF MENTAL AGILITY, PREMATURE AGING, FEVER, DEATH, OR WILD FLUCTUATIONS IN CURRENCY EXCHANGE RATES. TO THE FULL EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW, WE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, OF VALUE.
You assume total responsibility for your use of The Column. Your only remedy against the Author for dissatisfaction with The Column is to stop reading The Column. (Refer to above section, re: “We reserve the right to imprison.”)
Any subsequent dispute arising under the Terms of this agreement will be settled exclusively in the Supreme Court of the Republic of Albania on a Thursday at low tide.
These Terms supersede and replace any prior agreements between you and any government.
We reserve the right to change and update these Terms without warning or thought.
We have just changed the Terms.
Now we have changed them again.
[Illustration by Kyle Bean]