10 More Of The Best Amazon Reviews. Ever.

Due to popular demand, we present, with an eye on Christmas, “10 More of the Best Amazon Reviews. Ever.” These reviews are not just a staple of consumer criticism, they’ve become an elevated form of crowdsourced art.

10 More Of The Best Amazon Reviews. Ever.

First there was Fast Company‘s “The 10 Best Amazon Reviews. Ever.” Now, due to popular demand, we present, with a nod to Christmas, “10 More of the Best Amazon Reviews. Ever.” These reviews are not just a staple of consumer criticism, they’ve become an elevated form of crowdsourced art. Why Amazon? Well, you can find just about anything–from pepper spray to a relaxation capsule, coyote urine, a yodeling pickle, and a rubber bladder catheterization model male bladder–and the House of Bezos invites customers to share their insights in pez-dispenser-sized nuggets of … oh, what the hell, they’re funny!


Here are 10 more favorites.

1. Spice up your day

D-Bag of Liberty gave it 5-stars, calling it “the Cadillac of citizen repression technology”: “Whenever I need to breezily inflict discipline on unruly citizens, I know I can trust Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray to get the job done!”

Dan complains that “despite Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly’s assurance that this harmless vegetable mist is a ‘food product,’ I found it wholly unsuitable for eating. It caused an extraordinarily painful burning sensation in the mucous membranes of my upper respiratory tract and the tissue surrounding my eyes, resulting temporary blindness which lasted from 15-30 minutes, inflammation of the skin which lasted from 45 to 60 minutes, and upper body spasms which forced me to bend forward in fits of uncontrollable coughing that made it difficult to breathe or speak for between 3 and 15 minutes.”


Jayfoxy was so inspired he penned a short poem titled “It’s a hit”:

It puts the “Muse” in Mussoli.
It puts the “Hit” in Hitler.
It is Goebbel-icious.
It is Napalm in a handy can dispenser.

And the winner is …

2. Accidents Happen


T. Meadows TM rates it 5-stars, calling it “the greatest thing ever invented.” “I use it as a ‘mini-bar’ when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate.”

Luis found that the Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk makes “the perfect cutting board, I can slice my tomatoes for my sandwiches that I make while driving or use it to dice my onions when I make guacamole. I can now also have romantic dinners with my wife while driving it has enough room for candles and wine. On my way to work I use to iron my clothes as well … Just wish it had a cup holder!”

Phillip Bell of Denver, Co., claims that “Ever since my ex-wife bought me one of these, I’ve been able to easily take care of my paperwork while driving. She even gave me several life-insurance forms and graciously filled in her personal information in the beneficiary section. She usually isn’t so nice to me.”

And the winner is …


3. Proud to be an American (in Sweatpants)

J. Short raves about the Otomix Baggy Workout Gym Pants in the pattern of the American Flag: “It is too pedestrian to call these pants. Political statements in a functional leg covering … maybe. Works of art … that’s more like it. But do not forget the flag code when using these pants. Pay special attention to conduct during hoisting!!!”

Taylor calls them “damn amazing pants”: “I wore these pants, was confronted by Chuck Norris, and won. Yeah. That’s how awesome they are.”


Jason Sausaman “SoSausy” of Akron, OH, says these pants are “Totally friggin’ BAD A$$!” “You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys?” he asks. “Forget about it. COME TO MY DOJO!”

And the winner is …

4. For Your Own Good


Denice Bee “denicebrown_2000” from Detroit, MI, “was amazed by the ease of insertion of the catheter. All that was missing was screaming from the patient … Fun for all ages!

John Wood says he ordered “the bladder catheterization model for a class on bladder catheterizations. The testicles were a nice touch, and I got the job done if you know what I mean. I mean the balls were really, really important to my class. Really important. And high quality. The balls, that is. The balls on the bladder catheterization model.

And the winner is …

5. Milking it for all it’s worth


With almost 1,300 customer insights, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl. oz, has generated an utterly ridiculous number of reviews. And why not? Its price on Amazon ranges from $49.99 to $10,000 (plus $4.49 for shipping).

Joshua Darland “bought Tucson Whole Milk after hearing legends of its glory, tales of its majesty, and how delicious it is.” As he poured “the pure white liquid” on to his Frosted Mini Wheats “a golden glow” filled his bowl. The milk had “transmuted” his cereal to “pure gold.” Unfortunately it led him to suffer two cracked teeth.

Roy Batty rated it 5-stars, calling it “Replicant Heaven”: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. But the creamy yumminess of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz will be praised across the galaxy forever more. Time to die.”

Richard Lovelait was driven to verse:


Tell me not (Tuscan) I am unkinde,
That from the creamerie
Of thy pure udder and bovine minde
To stores and homes you flie.

True: a new customer now you chase,
The first to grab your jug;
And from the ‘fridge with faith embrace;
A Bowl, a Glass, a Mug.

Yet Amazon’s convenience is such,
I need go to no store,
I could not love thee (Milk) so much,
Lov’d I not purchase more.

And the winner is…


6. Chill out, Baby

Bartok Kinski of Prague offered a 3-star lukewarm endorsement, claiming he “boarded the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule on the 12th day of the month with a few live chickens, cans of beans and firewood and I sealed the door. Unfortunately, I got stomach gas and there is no exhaust chamber vent to air out the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. Also, there are no windows to see in which direction I am rowing.”

J. Arena of Williamsburg, VA, counts himself a disappointed customer: “I ordered the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule because the voices in my head that penetrated the layer of aluminum foil lining my Long Island Duck’s cap told me to. They also promised that Michael Jackson would deliver, install and use it with me after cooking me some macaroni and cheese–the kind from the blue box–not the kind that they have in the clinic–but they have good fruit salad on Tuesdays, unless I miss the bus and my mother doesn’t answer the phone because she plays Bingo on Tuesday. Stop asking me personal questions.”

And the winner is …


7. Triple Crown Winner!

HIJKay found his Accoutrements Horse Head Mask everything he had hoped for. “I absolutely loved this! Last year I dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween, and this really helped pull my costume together. I’m really glad I was able to find it! I won the best costume contest at my work.

Brad Stevens of Luton, Bedfordshire UK, labeled his review “an offer I couldn’t refuse.” “Great mask. Very realistic. I left mine in a Hollywood producer’s bed, and next thing I knew he’d cast me in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY.”


And the winner is …

8. Yuck!

David Nelson “Book Dave” says Party Pooper Fake Human Poop is “very realistic, high-quality and detailed. Made out of the same stuff as Polly Pocked clothes, gives it a nice shiny ‘fresh’ look. The pranks have been going back and forth, I put it on the toilet seat, my daughter screamed. She put it in the peanut butter, I recoiled in horror. HOURS OF FUN!!!”


MW of NY claims it’s a “crappy product” that “doesn’t look at all like real poop, unless your aim is to make it look like a 4-foot-6-inch ballerina took a dainty, monochromatic, plasticine dump somewhere. Or at best, a medium-sized dog who ate some chocolate-pudding-colored polyethylene.”

And the winner is …

9. Dill-icious

Ryan gave it 5-stars: “I really find it to be a quite fun gag gift and totally freakin annoying so it satisfies both of my needs.”

Jojo says, “Great for telemarketing calls. We had been getting so many recently; they would never leave a message, but would continue to call and call. We now use the yodeling pickle when we get one of these calls , and they never call back. It really has given us many a good laugh.”

Mr. Lumb Clive “clumb29” wrote: “Looking for something for the man who has everything? I bet that he hasn’t go one of these… It does exactly what is says on the box, it’s a pickle and it yodels – what more is there to say.”

And the winner is …

10. The Howling

Overlook1977 views The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee as a “great compliment for my skin art”: “Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.”

Frank “The Frank” of Mount Ayr, Iowa, warns of unintended consequences to wearing this product: “The effect that this t-shirt has on women is pretty impressive. Unfortunately its natural healing powers reversed my vasectomy and I impregnated nine women in two weeks before I realized. They all had twin boys. Now I have 18 sons and spend most of my money on child support and condoms.”

Santar says, “Howlin’ shirt. Well worth the price. Comfortable to the fit. I love this shirt. Women howl at me…and I howl back.”

Ruby Chiarito of Indiana swears “since buying this shirt I have become a war hero, time traveled, made millions in the stock market, stopped drug wars, and made love to women across the world while hunting diamonds. Good buy.”

And the winner, as confirmed by the more than 25,000 Amazon customers who found his review “helpful,” is …

Read more Amazon Reviews

Adam L. Penenberg is a journalism professor at NYU and a contributing writer to Fast Company. Follow him on Twitter: @penenberg.

[Image: Flickr user katkamin]

About the author

Adam L. Penenberg is a journalism professor at New York University and author of several books