Stage One: Trauma (Denial)
“This didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. I can’t believe it happened.”
As one of my patients whose husband and child had been killed in an
auto accident explained to me, “It’s like one moment you’re Bambi
prancing through the forest and then, wham, your mom is killed by hunters and suddenly you’re reduced to a deer frozen and staring into the headlights.”
If your personality, or even your self, is composed of your thoughts,
feelings and actions (some would add to that your spirituality), and
their relationship to each other is created and “hard-wired” over time
according to how you perceive reality, trauma suddenly and monumentally
changes reality to such an extent that your pre-constructed personality
no longer applies. At that point you may experience the complete
disconnect between your pre-constructed personality and your new reality
In the state of horror, your thoughts, feelings and actions decouple
and uncouple. That may be why we refer to such states as “wigged out,”
“losing your mind,” “becoming unglued” and “becoming unhinged.” In that
state of feeling disconnected externally from reality, and internally
from your prior “normal” self, horror leads to feeling vulnerable.
Feeling vulnerable is a very unstable emotion, and unless something
intervenes to make it go away, it quickly can escalate to feeling that
the next blow will shatter you. This triggers the feeling of terror.
Then, terror internally moves very quickly into panic, and then panic
pushes you to “fight or flight.”
Sometimes the shock of it all triggers what is called a “repetition
compulsion” an example of which is when spouses and family members go
back to the place where a loved one was washed away, and waiting and
hoping to see them come back. On a more mundane level, that explains how
a three- or four-year-old might keep circling around the escalators in a
big store if they have become separated from their parent.
This repetition compulsion is a repetitive behavior built upon
magical (wishful to an extreme) thinking that the trauma didn’t happen.
One of the reason people remain stuck in this phase is a deep belief
that if it turns out to be a reality, that they won’t be able to
tolerate or live with it.
Stage Two: Loss (Depression)
“It did happen. It’s not a bad dream. It’s not going away. I don’t think I can go on.”
Within hours (for the most resilient and most battle worn
individuals), or days, or weeks, or never (for those who stay almost
permanently frozen, literally in suspended animation), the realization
sinks in that life is forever different and never going back to the way
To the degree that you cannot attune, align and reconfigure your
thoughts, feelings and actions to a new and different and forever
changed reality, you may become and remain depressed.
This may explain the greatly increased death rate of widowers
following the death of a wife that they had been so deeply dependent on.
Even though many who have lost so much think nothing–especially talking about it–will help, talking does help. One of my other traumatized patients expressed it best by saying, “Having horror heard helps heal hurt.”
If you don’t believe that, think of an incident of someone drawing
you out and deeply listening to you so that you not only vented, but you
were able to exhale perhaps after they asked you such evocative
- Tell me what happened.
- At its worst point, what happened?
- At its worst point, how bad did it get?
- I know you feel you can’t go on, but why have you not given up?
The final question helps serve as a transitional link from Loss to
Recovery when people hear themselves say and realize why they haven’t
Stage Three: Recovery (Resolution)
“It’s learning to live with life never being the same again.”
This is what a woman whose husband and child were killed in a car
accident told me several months after seeing me, and this was something
she arrived at on her own.
The woman above was, of course, still deeply sad, but was no longer
devastated. Furthermore, the slightest glimmer of life had returned to
her eyes when she came in and shared this with me.
Life never being the same again doesn’t mean that it is
over. It doesn’t mean that I’ll never laugh again, never enjoy being
with friends. And even the toughest realization, it doesn’t mean that
I’ll never love again, because that is something my husband, and even my
child, would get angry at me if I let happen.
As time passes, and if you are able to keep from withdrawing and keep
talking (as the woman above did with me and with a support group) about
what you’ve lost, your thoughts, feelings and actions will be able to
attune and align themselves to the new reality and then configure
themselves to each other in a new way that enables you to adapt to the
new reality with your entire personality. In essence, talking with others helps you adjust to doing without something you’ve lost.
I can’t take much credit for the woman’s recovery above, since most of what I did was “just listen” to her. She insisted that
helped, but also said that the “Seven Steps to Recovery” she had
learned from our sessions and trained herself to do also enabled her to
finally have the breakthrough above, which involved the Sixth of the
The Seven Steps to Recovery is a way to talk and walk yourself
through any upset you’ve had, and make things better instead of worse:
- Physical Awareness. When you’re feeling in
distress after a trauma, think to yourself, “I am physically feeling
[what] in my [where in your body].” For example, “light headed and sick
to my stomach.”
- Emotional Awareness. “And emotionally I feel
[angry? frustrated? scared? sad? disappointed? hurt? upset?] and how my
[fill in the emotion you just named] is [name the level of intensity].
For example, “scared out of my wits and more scared than I can ever
remember feeling in my life.”
- Impulse Awareness. “And feeling [name the
physical feeling] and [name the emotional feeling], and feeling it
[name the level of intensity], makes me want to [name the impulse].” For
example, “sitting down and doing nothing.”
- Consequence Awareness. “If I act on that
impulse, the most likely immediate consequence will be ____, and a
longer-term consequence will be ____. For example, “I will probably feel
even more out of control and even more hopeless.”
- Reality Awareness. “While I am holding off
(for now) on acting on that impulse, another possible and more accurate
perception of what might really be going on is [seeing the world as it
actually is can further help you not react to the way it isn’t]. “For
example, “my life being forever different doesn’t mean my life is over.”
- Solution Awareness. “A better thing for me
to do instead would be to [fill in an alternate behavior and what you
need to do to achieve those outcomes]. For example, “learn to live with
life being never the same again and to start by interacting with (vs.
withdrawing) others, comforting each other, thinking together what we
can do now vs. focusing on what we can’t and then have each person
commit to doing something to achieve our desired outcome.”
- Benefit Awareness. “If I try that solution,
the benefit to me immediately will be [fill in the immediate benefit].
For example, “I’ll begin to feel more in control and less helpless and
even less hopeless.”
If you are a person for whom self-talk does not work (I am such a
person), imagine doing the above exercise with someone who cares or
cared about you (I imagine my deceased parents and deceased mentors
going through the seven steps with me).
Why do the Seven Steps to Recovery work? I view trauma as a
horrendous and horrifying event that splits apart the thinking, feeling
and acting parts of your personality. When that happens, you feel that
the next step will be for you to shatter, or what some patients describe
as “fragmenting.” At that point, you begin to panic.
The Seven Steps to Recovery works because it reconnects the thinking,
feeling and acting parts of your personality. More than that, it
enables you to adapt to the reality of what is, as opposed what no
longer is. One patient told me it felt like suturing their personality
back together again.
The “tipping point” of the Seven Steps are the Fifth Step, Reality
Awareness, Sixth Step, Solution Awareness, and Seventh Step, Benefit
Awareness, because those are the three steps that push you perceiving
the world differently and into taking positive action. Taking action
into life is essential to recovery. It’s only when you take action that
you create a new memory. Thoughts thought do not create new memories as
profoundly as actions taken. New memories are important in order to
dilute out the impact of the horrendous traumatic ones. If you don’t
create new memories through action, you can remain stuck.
To help reinforce this, imagine looking at the rings of a hundred
year old tree that has been cut. Each ring represents a year. The ring
from a year of drought looks different than that of a year of rains
than that of a year of floods than that of a year of fires. All put
together they give the tree character and each ring is less important
than all of them put together which is the life of that tree (kind of
makes you wish someone hadn’t cut it).
Applying this to your life, if 2011 is the year of an awful disaster,
when you keep acting into life, 2012 could become the year you met the
love of your life, had a child, moved into a new home or a job you love.
And although the disaster of 2011 doesn’t go away, the life you live
after it dilutes its impact on you.
The Seven Steps to Recovery is also a great tool to teach your
children to help them overcome setbacks, disappointments and to master
stress, and for them to internalize a way of pausing, calming and
centering themselves when they hit obstacles later on in life.