Your dear mother went through a lot bringing you into this world–like, a lot, a lot. So get ready to pay back what you owe this Sunday–not with some generic greeting card or lame bouquet of flowers, but with cold, hard, calculated cash. The American Coalition for Labor Reparations takes the guesswork out of determining how much you should cough up in proportion to how much damage you caused coming out. And just in case you’re of the foolishly naive who downplay the sheer horrors of childbirth, the ACFLR has included an informative video of real mothers giving candid confessions of less-than-stable matters of the colorectal kind and nether regions stretching to unearthly widths of “this big.”
Let the guilt wash over you as you fill out each of the site’s sections accounting for instances of emotional instability, naval mutations, forced sobriety, and other metrics of harrowing sacrifices your mother incurred, with a promissory note tallying your final reparations. Though it has the authoritatively dry look of a government website, it’s obvious the ACFLR isn’t a real organization. However, it can be said that the sentiment of the site, created by agency Mother New York (which obviously feels obliged to engineer a stunt at this time each year), holds true: You brought the pain–now it’s time to pay.
Happy Mother’s Day!