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Crib Sheet: The Bilderberg Group, a Real-Life Illuminati for Conspiracy Theorists

Just outside of Barcelona there is a pretty little seaside resort called Sitges. Beloved by the gay community and horror movie aficionados, it is this year’s venue for the Bilderberg Club’s annual general meeting. “The what?” asked Noah, my editor. Evidently he hasn’t received an invite.

Ernst Blofeld

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Just outside of Barcelona there is a pretty little seaside resort called Sitges. Beloved by the gay community and horror movie aficionados, it is this year’s venue for the Bilderberg Club’s annual general meeting. “The what?” asked Noah, my editor. Evidently he hasn’t received an invite.

Or maybe he has. The first rule of Bilderberg is, apparently, that you don’t talk about Bilderberg–at least, you don’t discuss what went on during the meetings, as they are governed by the Chatham House Rule. The group is a secretive cabal made up of big cheeses in the political, financial, and media world. Invitees include ex-presidents, former heads of institutions such as the World Bank and NATO, diplomats, and Nobel Prize winners. I’m wondering whether Conan O’Brien will be there this year. Head of his production company, Conanco, is Henry Kissinger’s son David. Conan, Bilderberg needs you!

They’re all staying at the Dolce, a golf’n’spa hotel that overlooks the Mediterranean. Its latest promotion includes a free breakfast for kids under 12 (not many of those around this weekend, I’m guessing). Fans of conspiracy theories may like to know that the hotel’s Webcam feature is currently disabled.

Princess Diana was murdered by the royal family, you know: And if she hadn’t been, would she have been a Bilderberg invitee? Despite the majority of attendees being elderly white men (attendance at the Dolce Discoteca will be low to non-existent) both Queen Sofia of Spain and her Dutch counterpart, Queen Beatrix have attended. Beatrix, let’s not forget, is a major shareholder in oil company Shell; they surely like to have someone there to represent their interests.

Kennedy was shot by the Cubans, you know: Ah, the Bay of Pigs, or, as they’ll be saying in the Tanga Conference Suite at the Dolce, Bay of Piigs. Referring to Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, and Spain, the Bilderburghers must be quaking at the thought that the Euro will disappear–the single European currency was, according to current chairman Etienne Davignon, a Bilderberg invention. The conference’s keynote address is to be given by Spanish PM Jose-Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, who will have to reassure members that the Euro will remain in place. “The biggest nightmare is if EU members return to nationally oriented politics,” claims Bilderberg watcher Daniel Estulin.

No, it was the Russkies, you know: The Bilderberg was formed in 1954 by a Polish politician, Jozef Retinger, who was concerned by the encroaching threat of Communism in Europe. Its first meeting was held at the Hotel de Bilderberg–spooky coincidence that––in the Netherlands, and it is said to have brought about Franco-German reconciliation and the Maastricht Treaty, among other things.

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The South Korean corvette, the Cheonan, was sunk by BP, you know: Other topics that may or may not be up for discussion include When to Invade Iran, Zuckerberg for Next Bilderberg Chairman (then he might learn the meaning of privacy), How to Get Anna Wintour to Remove her Sunglasses Permanently, Turning the Earth’s Oceans to Oil to End the World’s Energy Worries, and Turning Glenn Beck into a Political Version of Simon Cowell.

Global Warming is bullshit, you know: Members of the Steering Committee–as the Bilderberg chums are known–claim that the aim of the group is to promote Atlanticism–that is, fostering close political, economic, and defense ties between the countries on both sides of the North Atlantic. “To say we were striving for a one-world government is exaggerated, but not wholly unfair,” says former U.K. chancellor Denis Healey.

Global Warming is caused by Hitler, who’s been cryogenically preserved and his remains injected into a mutant rat-smartphone-wheelbarrow hybrid and he’s living in a trailer park in Pensacola, you know: According to the Trilever Group, a consultancy group that’s big on transparency and accountability, photographers hoping to catch a shot of Bill Clinton (a former invitee) having his toes sucked on a sun lounger by the pool are being “arrested and hunted down.” Hannah Borno, Trilever’s founder told the Independent, “We just dropped two people by the hills and they are trying to run for cover so they aren’t spotted by the snipers.”

Elvis faked his own death, you know: Although colonic irrigation is not on offer at the spa, residents can enjoy all sorts of treatments from qualified therapists, including the “Lomi-Juma,” a Hawaiian-style massage. Hang on, didn’t Obama just cancel his visit to Asia?

[Image Via Wired]

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About the author

My writing career has taken me all round the houses over the past decade and a half--from grumpy teens and hungover rock bands in the U.K., where I was born, via celebrity interviews, health, tech and fashion in Madrid and Paris, before returning to London, where I now live. For the past five years I've been writing about technology and innovation for U.S

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