Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
I’m writing to you (big fan of yours. Biiiiig fan) to suggest that, when the inevitable book deals from publishers come winging your way, you young thruster, you, that I ghostwrite it. Not your memoirs–let’s leave that to Kitty Kelley, as she’s a far, far better excavator of truthiness than I could ever be–but your guide to managing a billion-dollar startup.
Have you seen David Kirkpatrick’s tome The Facebook Effect: The Inside Story of the Company That Is Connecting the World? Here’s a link to its fan page on your own site–not that I’m sucking up, of course. Just to digress slightly, might I suggest that you take a cue from someone famous–I think it was Madonna–who claimed that she didn’t read her press cuttings but merely weighed them. Stick the book on the kitchen scales when you’ve got a moment. Alternatively, you could get Higgins the butler to do it for you if you’re a bit pushed for time. (Actually, what am I saying, I’m sure that your attorneys are memorizing the best passages so they can recite them to you the next time you’re ’round their offices.)
I’ll get back to the point. You. Management Tips. Best-selling book. Mark McZuckerberg, What They Didn’t Teach Me at Harvard. How about What They Tried To Teach Me at Harvard (Except I was totally Raging, Brah)? You, sir, are one of America’s most successful entrepreneurs. You, sir, are a role model for a generation, and it’s only fair that you should share the secrets of your success with them. After all, 400 million people worldwide share their secrets with you.
From what I have read, your technique seems to be–rather like your successful online venture–visionary in its simplicity, certainly not simplistic in its vision. I remember Mitch Kapor‘s golden rules about startup culture, made some years ago. “Have an impact,” he said. “Be prepared for bullying and public humiliation. Inaction is an action too. Keep a tight leash.” Mark, you have taken that ethos and you have run with it and taken it to another dimension. I mean, where did you get that idea about waving your fencing sword in people’s faces to get their attention? Other guys might have waved their penises about, but you took it up a notch. Dude, so clutch.
Here’s how i think we should tackle the chapters: You’re a big Tom Cruise fan–in a campy way, it is said, far be it from me to suggest anything untoward, Mark–so how about them either being Cruise movie titles, or quotes?
“Respect the Cock” Your days at 819 La Jennifer Way. How testosterone-heavy environments can really focus the mind. (I think we’ll leave any references to taming the you-know-what at the door, shall we?)
“Master the Way of the Sword” Instilling a climate of fear–no, not fear, let’s say respect–among your startup buddies.
“I’m a pleasure delayer” Keeping the team focused on the job in hand and instilling a fierce work ethos at your nascent company.
“Citizen Dildo” How to handle presentations when you’re doing the begging rounds at VC firms. Your takedown of Sequoia Capital, when you turned up late to meet the assembled bigwigs, giving them 10 reasons not to invest in Wirehog is the stuff of legend.
“You’re angry because they make you wear a dress” How pajamas and slides are a must-have for every mogul in the making.
“Mr. Yukkamoto?” Value the core members of your staff. Taking them to the Great American Theme Park in a bus filled to the gills with booze. Returning home with the bus filled to the gills with drunk employees and vomit. Using the company credit card to compensate the bus firm for the damages accrued.