Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom (or, to give her her full superhero name, Tetradecamom, since she’s got 14 kids–at least, the last time she looked, for all I know it could be 19 and rising) has encountered a spot of financial bother*. Lucky for Tetradecamom, however, she’s a walking, laboring inspiration for all manner marketing, let’s say, innovators. And help is at hand. Is it a bird? Is it plane? No, it’s Peta! Tempting though it is to think that they’ve parachuted Pamela Anderson in to help with the feeding of the octuplets, the truth is actually a little more prosaique.
The animal activist organization has paid Suleman, the Angelina Jolie look- and whelp-alike $5,000 to stick the above poster in her back yard–which begs the comment: What took you so long, Pleather™ lovers? As an added bonus, they’re throwing in a month’s supply of vegan hot dogs for Mom and kids. Er, are the youngest eight even on solids yet?
According to the mortgage holder of Wonder Womb-an’s bijou residence in La Habra, her dad, one Ed Doud, has defaulted on a one-off balloon payment of $450,000, which has prompted a porn producer to offer to pay off the entire mortgage if Octomom does the business in a porno movie for him. (Feel free to put film title suggestions in the comments please, but Octopussy is banned for reasons of obviousness**) Rest assured, purred the co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, it would be tasteful, and she would have input on script and her male co-stars***.
The offer was blithely refuted by Suleman’s lawyer, who, in an even more ironic twist, goes by the name of Jeff Czech****. “No porn. Just Peta,” he said. “Nadya prefers animals over men*****.”
The moral of all of this rather sad tale is this: Beware of reality show producers bearing gifts. After giving birth to all eight of her last-born, in January last year, there was talk of movies, books and TV shows. Suleman signed a deal worth $250,000 over three years with Eyeworks, a U.K.-based production company. By the summertime, Eyeworks had hightailed it back across the Atlantic, following “budget” and “unresolved contract” issues. There was also a deal with RadarOnline.com, but that blew up in a whole heap of nothing.
The phrase, “Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington,” springs to mind.
*& We didn’t see that one coming, no sirree.
** As opposed to for obvious reasons. Nobody does it better than Roger Moore. Ah! Now there’s a title. Roger More.
*** Surely they would have input on her, or have I got my biological facts all upside down?
**** There is no truth in the rumor that Czech goes by the nickname of “Bouncing.”
***** Words fail me. For once.