On December 8 at approximately 13:00, Officer witnessed a crime in progress, in Philadelphia: A new logo for the city promising, “Life, Liberty, and You™”
Assailant, The City of Philadelphia, claimed that the main perpetrators were a “65-person pro-bono Philadelphia Executive Marketing Council,” aided and abetted by the Star Group, a branding agency. The later offered the following alibi, after pointing out that its services were donated for free: “Our goal is to create…messages that not only win attention and awards, but motivate our audiences to act in ways that grow sales, generate revenue, and advance the bottom line.”
Responding Officer recommends charging Star Group to Felonious Intent to Deceive, via Meaningless Business Jargon, Lame-Ass Catch Phrases, and Conspicuously Bad Work (hidden from hyperlinking by a Flash website). Responding Officer would also like to state for the record that free work is worth nothing.
When pressed for either a concept or rationale, the assailant, The City of Philadelphia–while visibly intoxicated, reeking of liquor, and clutching a cheesesteak– responded by yelling, “Hey! Philadelphia! Liberty Bell! Get it?”
When asked why such a crime took an entire year to plan and commission, assailant cursed the responding Officer’s sister and commented on how she looked naked. Then preceded to belch in the Officer’s face and yell again, “C’mon! Liberty. AND YOU. It’s genius! People power!”