Not So Fast: Theftsgiving

Mall rats and frugalistas have Black Friday and its hair-pulling chaos. Online shoppers? Cyber Monday — boring! What’s missing is the holiday spirit … of mayhem! Now Web stores can get in the game, if they’ll just add these customer-unfriendly features.

Not So Fast: Theftsgiving
Illustration by Frank Stockton Illustration by Frank Stockton

Break in Before You Buy

Dust off the old hacking software, because Santa’s going to put you to work. You’ll have to crack an 80-word key (in a 2-point font) to visit your favorite online stores. And the FBI has just flagged your bank account. Hack the halls!

Don Santa

What’s a Mob scene without a Mob boss? Pay a visit to Boss Santa in the children’s department. Ask him for protection, revenge, or a pony. Just don’t forget to kiss the ring.

Shopping-Cart Destruction Derby

Take a break from the fun with this or one of our other casual games: Last-Item-Viewed Tug-of-War or Security-Camera Sharpshooting.

Force-Feedback Shopping Headsets

Create an immersive experience by piping in unmutable squeaky cart wheels and baby shrieks. Shoppers can scream bloody murder too … at the guy who just snared the last copy of The Beatles: Rock Band. “All you need is love, my ass!”

541-Click Shopping (patent pending)

Express checkout? Sure … once you solve the mother of all logic puzzles. Then one last challenge: cash-only payment. Agree to Terms and Conditions to get your identity stolen. Should have read it all, buddy!

Steal Items out of People’s Shopping Carts

Secure online shopping is a ghost of Christmas past. With this new feature, hard-to-get items are just five digital fingers away — pun intended!


Wish-List Randomizer

With the help of Chance the Chimp and his Wonderful Wish Wheel, no one will ever buy you what you want again. Visit our Personal Smiler for help faking joy.

Impulse/Gun Rack

Don’t forget the real reason for the season: keeping our economy rolling. Let shoppers satisfy both their nagging impulses — frivolous purchases and homicidal rage — in one fell swoop.

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