An Exclusive Peek at Google’s Breakthrough Ideas to Restore Its Waning Glory

With everything from Bing to Twitter trying to steal Google’s thunder, people can’t stop talking about the search giant’s innovation slump. Here’s an exclusive peek at Google’s arsenal of breakthrough ideas to restore the glory.

An Exclusive Peek at Google’s Breakthrough Ideas to Restore Its Waning Glory
Illustrations by Adam Hayes Illustrations by Adam Hayes


We’re just getting started.



Fire up Cubed from your desk and we’ll auto-matically organize all the information in your “meatspace,” even that leftover beef burrito. Use our push pins to geotag a pen that works. Those holiday-party pics will no longer be mis-filed under Secret_Personal_Do_Not_Open. And anything you haven’t looked at in six months will go in our patent-pending CircularFile.

Doink Doink

Using the signature two-note chime from TV’s Law & Order, Doink Doink alerts you when any episode of the cops-and-lawyers franchise is on. What? It’s always on? Impressive, eh?


We use the power of our enterprise search tools — 1 billion documents! — to track your worldly possessions. Lose your keys? Now they’re always in the last place we looked!


Soul Search

How can you find anything if you haven’t found yourself? No more time-consuming self-reflection and analog journal writing. Just click “Gooroo” and we’ll tell you what type of life to lead. (If we’re wrong: a 10%-off coupon for one of Oprah’s favorite things.)


How deep can you go?

Rom Com

Love, Google Earth — style. The same global camera network that creates those jaw-dropping Google Earth images can follow your paramour everywhere, allowing you to “meet cute” almost any time you want. Add the Search Anything plug-in to play an audio loop of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”



Is that a raccoon in the yard or a Sasquatch or other mythical creature? Glide your mouse over the unicorn’s horn and Yeti will tell you whether to alert the media or critter control.


Enable this feature to find out who’s gettin’ some in your office. Advanced: Turn on “Craigslist View” to see who’s paying for it.


Knowledge really is power.


We’re engineers, so what’s the point of all this technology if we’re not going to use it to look for pictures of hotties? Use Booble’s One-Click-Check-It-Out technology and never again endlessly search through images of topless babes to find the perfect pair. Or click on the “Matthew McConaughey” box for an alternative search preference.



A cool outcome of indexing the world’s information is that we’ve collected 100% of your personal data. Submit gives you a consolidated view of your entire existence, including drunk dials, your secret paella addiction, that tweet you typed but deleted, and your anonymous — “ha!” — comment about Angelina Jolie’s outfit on All for free! Store it with Google Docs and we’ll keep your Submit report updated in real time! Yep, life’s going to get a whole lot easier.

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